Olivia is asleep in the swing, the rain is falling softly, and I am sitting on the couch ready to reflect for a few moments on what God has been teaching me the past few days while waiting for the news of my CT scan.

First of all, I was so relieved and grateful to find out everything looks “perfect.” I haven’t had much of an opportunity to exhale yet because right after the doctor left the room, I needed to feed a hungry baby and then we packed up and headed home. I am so grateful for a few moments of quiet to thank God for a clean bill of health. I remember a woman I respect mentioning a few years ago how important it is to give as much effort in thanking God for how He’s answered our prayers as we do at presenting our requests to Him. I think of that every time I leave the doctor’s office with a good report. It’s so easy to move right along to the next request on my mind instead of reveling in the way God showed up. I am so incredibly humbled and grateful for a good report and I do not take it for granted. Not one minute.

I would be remiss to not mention how challenging the days leading up to this appointment have been. The anxiety crept in so stealthily that I didn’t realize I was worried about the appointment until I was cloaked in fear. I literally had a stomachache from the panic I was feeling internally.

I was frustrated with myself over how worried I was about this scan for a couple of reasons. First, I had just had a c-section three months prior where the oncologist was able to get a good look at my body and reported all looked “pristine.” So in my mind I knew there was not much to worry about but I was having a difficult time convincing my heart of that fact. Second, I have had so many of these scans and appointments over the last three and a half years that it’s not like a routine CT scan is new for me. So why was my stomach tied in knots over this one?

Maybe it was because I had gotten out of the practice of cancer check-ups since I took a break during my pregnancy and quickly forgot how fear-inducing those appointments were. Maybe it was because I had a little girl now and every decision and outcome felt twice as serious. Maybe it was because I was tired and still trying to find my rhythm as a new mom. I couldn’t pinpoint the exact reason, but all I knew was that I had some deep fears and triggers that were bubbling to the surface and needed to be addressed.

Once I realized that I had blown this scan way out of proportion in my mind, I knew I needed to invite God into my fears and thoughts. The first thing I did was find the song that I wrote about last week and begin playing it over and over. I have found that music speaks so intimately into my heart and helps me hold onto truth that I so desperately need. I specifically resonated with the words:

“God whatever comes my way, 
I will trust you.
All my fears all my dreams, held in your hands.”

That’s how I felt; My fears of returning cancer and my dreams of raising my children were in God’s hands and I needed that song to remind me over and over again that I could trust God with those personal thoughts. When my own words were difficult to find, singing those lyrics helped me articulate what I felt in my heart.

I knew that my next line of attack against my fear needed to be reading Scripture because that’s where the true power is. I’ll be honest, my Bible reading time has taken a major hit since having a baby. Yet I knew I needed to intentionally surround myself with truth to protect myself against the many lies and what if’s that were raging around me. While nursing on Saturday, I picked up my copy of Jesus Calling and asked God to speak to me. I admit that I am still reading in November instead of in March where I should be, but nevertheless, it was exactly what I needed to hear.

I opened up my Bible app on my phone (so much easier while nursing!) and read the verse with my upcoming CT scan in mind:

“The Lord replied [to Moses], ‘My presence will go with you and I will give you rest’” (Exodus 33:14).

You know when you read something at just the right time that you know was for you? That was how I felt when I read those words. I needed the reminder that God’s presence would be with me and give my heart rest. And not just for this appointment but in this transition of becoming a mom too.

The next morning I asked God to keep speaking to me. One of my most favorite verses and one that I have held onto during so many nerve-wracking appointments in the past jumped off the page:

“You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in Thee” (Isaiah 26:3).

I drank up those words and allowed them to soothe my shaking soul. I repeated them to myself over and over and reminded myself to keep a steadfast mind (a concept I have studied about in the past and wrote about here).

God also spoke to me through the sermon at our church later that morning. Though I wasn’t able to totally concentrate because Jared and I were bouncing Olivia to keep her content, what I took away from the message was the importance of prayer in our daily lives and in our spiritual battle. And again, I admit, another discipline that has seriously lacked since having a baby. I knew I needed to ask for prayer from those close to me. I knew I needed others battling for truth and peace for me. I knew that the prayers of those around me truly would make a difference.

It amazed me that when I woke up this morning, the day of my appointment, I hardly felt any trepidation. I knew that was a direct result of the truth I was meditating on and the answered prayers for peace and strength. Let’s be honest, I wasn’t skipping around the halls of my house with great anticipation for my appointment, but I had a deep peace that God had prepared me for this day and He would work on my behalf.

It wasn’t a pretty process to get to that point. There was much nail-biting and stomach-rumbling, as well as many honest prayers and a few tears. I’m still trying to process why this appointment unearthed so many fears and anxieties, but one thing I know: God once again proved Himself faithful and provided so many reassurances to remind me He was walking every step with me.

As I finish this post, it is now late and the rain has turned to snow. My baby is sleeping in the room down the hall and my husband is sleeping next to me. My heart feels so full of gratitude for those two cherished answered prayers as well as today’s answered prayer of a clean bill of health. I lay my head down tonight so humbled for how faithful and kind God has been yet again to me. I can finally exhale.

It’s that time again. It’s funny how I can almost forget that I have to receive constant cancer check-ups, but once the date is on the calendar, it stares me in the face reminding me every day until it is behind me. Tomorrow (Friday) is the day for my first scan in over a year. I had one in December of 2011 but then was pregnant so I didn’t have any scans during that time. And boy, it was nice! As you know, my oncologist here in Cincinnati was able to peek inside when I had my c-section and everything looked “pristine” according to him. However, I need to get another scan to make sure everything continues to look pristine. I hate how the fears and anxieties creep up as the date approaches. As I was sitting here praying about the appointment and asking for peace, I felt like I should include you in on this part of the journey and ask for your continued prayers. I am specifically asking for:

*a completely clear report with no issues and no indication of any cancer

*for peace during my scan and while I wait until Tuesday for my appointment with my oncologist.

Thank you for praying me through another stop on this journey!

As I was driving home last night I listened to Chris Tomlin’s new cd, Burning Lights, and especially was struck by his song “Sovereign.” I think you’ll enjoy it too. May each of us say, “God, whatever comes my way, I will trust you.”

Sovereign by Chris Tomlin

This evening as I was reflecting for my daily Thankful Challenge, I realized that November 10th marks a very important day. And one that is filled with SO MUCH gratefulness. Three years ago today, I had surgery on what was supposed to be a minor, harmless ovarian cyst. Instead of November 10th being a routine day with a routine surgery, it turned out to be the first day on a journey with ovarian cancer.

The irony is not lost on me that our baby girl is due any day–three years from when I thought all of my hopes were dashed to bear a child. What a Redeemer God is. Tears fill my eyes as I try to articulate in words my gratitude for what God has done in the past three years. (The song “Unredeemed” that I have posted on here before is running through my mind as I continue writing.)

Walking through a cancer diagnosis and chemo tested my faith. Some days every ounce. On those days, choosing to be thankful did not come naturally. Yet, hindsight has made my cancer journey even more beautiful because when I look back, I see so many ways God has worked. Sure, there are moments I wish cancer was not part of my story; I wish I didn’t have to have routine check-ups, and have to entertain thoughts that many without cancer never even consider. But I also know that this cancer journey has shaped me in ways that have made me more genuine, transparent, and dependent on God. And in so many ways, those gifts have made this difficult journey worth the heartache.

I know many of you who read this blog are walking through your own struggles, and if there is one thing I can say on November 10th it is this: Keep hanging onto God. You will be amazed how He will show up. It may be in three days, three months, three years, or three decades, but He will redeem your situation. And you will look back and be amazed at how God brought it to pass. I know there will be days I need this reminder but for today, November 10th, I am so thankful for the way God redeems.

“Praise the Lord, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise His holy name.
Praise the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all His benefits—
who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.”
Psalm 103:1-5

Today is one of those days of reflection when I look back over the past several years and feel so, so grateful for all God has done in my life and all He has brought me through. Two years ago today I finished my last chemo treatment. Wow. There truly aren’t enough words for me to express my gratitude to be two years past that challenging season.

This weekend I have the exciting opportunity to speak at a women’s conference in Orlando. As I’ve been preparing for my talk, God has been working on my heart in the process. I love how that happens! One of the Scripture passages I was researching was in Genesis 3 when the serpent convinces Eve to take a bite of the apple. I was reminded all over again as I read this story how the she took a bite because she became convinced that God was holding out on her. That maybe God didn’t know what He was talking about and maybe, just maybe, He needed Eve to help Him.

How often am I in this situation in life? When I begin to doubt God’s good heart toward me and begin thinking maybe I should help God. And the way I try to help Him is by grasping for a bit of a control. Because in my mind, I inaccurately decide I need to take control for what God clearly hasn’t.

I am reflecting on all of these thoughts today because they bring me back to two+ years ago. I had to continually and intentionally work through my disappointment about my cancer diagnosis so as to not accuse God of holding out on me or not coming through for me. When life turns totally upside down, our (my) human nature is to decide God must have fallen asleep on the job, that if He cared He would do something. It’s so tempting to buy into the lie that God must not have our good in mind.

There were definitely days when I struggled believing that God had my good in mind, but it’s amazing what perspective will bring. Now two years out from that very challenging time, I see much more clearly that God was working for my good and for His glory. (And this brings me encouragement on the days when I battle all over again with wondering if God sees me in my current situations.) I believe that sometimes we must just hold onto that truth by faith until the fog lifts and we can see a clearer picture. And I’m learning that God doesn’t need any help at being God, and in His sovereignty, He knows exactly what He’s doing. Even when at times life feels totally out of control, God is fully in control and working out the situation in a way that brings us greater good and Him greater glory. How amazing is that.

I certainly don’t want to sound trite. I’ve seen and experienced enough to realize that life isn’t easily wrapped up in a tidy bow. Sometimes we may feel the fog never lifts and God seems quite distant. I can empathize in a small way because the truth is I don’t know what’s in store for my future. And to be quite honest, that make me shake in my boots some days. But through the last two and a half years, God has deepened Jared’s and my trust in Him–not just a Pollyanna trust, but an experiential God-will-give-us-what-we-need-even-if-we-don’t-understand trust. And so today I rest in the knowledge that He has been so faithful to us in the past, and so no matter what comes our way in the future, He will be faithful through those challenges too.

Today I celebrate all that He has done in Jared’s and my life over the past two years since finishing chemo. He has been so very good to us and we rejoice!

***

“Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him.” Psalm 34:8

“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:13,14

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28

Thank you for praying for my 16-month check up. I am so pleased to report that the ultrasound came back normal and I was sent on my way for another four months. As I stated on my facebook status, I am learning to not take my health for granted ever again.

Humbled, grateful, and breathing a deep sigh of relief…

My friend, Rachael, author of a great blog entitled To Be a Mom, asked if I would be willing to write a post for her Travel Thursday. Below is what she posted on her blog. I encourage you to visit it when you have a minute; she is an incredible woman with much insight, especially in how to live intentionally as a mom. She writes five days a week with topics related to Maniac Monday, Toddler Tuesday, Wednesday Words, Travel Thursday, and Financial Friday.

***

As we talk about travel each Thursday we also often think about journeys. As we seek our destination it is the journey that has the most impact. Today Michelle from Insight for Girls is going to take us on a journey of a different kind and challenge us to think about our steps differently.

photo by mikebaird

“Life is a journey, not a destination.” Ralph Walden Emerson

When I was in my mid 20s, a quote I loved hung from my bathroom mirror. It said:

“Remember, God is interested in the journey, not just the destination…God is in no rush… He wants to use this process, and all the questions and uncertainties it involves, to refine us, sanctify us, and increase our faith.” (Joshua Harris, Boy Meets Girl)

During that season of life, I eagerly desired to meet the man God intended for me to marry. I repeatedly read the quote above and reminded myself that the journey mattered. How I waited mattered. How I dated mattered. I vulnerably gave God my hopes as I trusted Him with my heart’s journey.

Fast forward five-plus years. In God’s perfect timing, I met and married my husband and moved to Chicago to begin our life together. Finally, I had arrived at my long-awaited destination. Or so I thought.

A year and a half into marriage, much to our shock, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. My sweet, ideal world of playing house with my husband was rudely interrupted by an extremely frightening health issue. For the next six months, I underwent two surgeries and chemotherapy, complete with losing all of my hair.

Clearly, being diagnosed with cancer was no where near the destination I envisioned. And certainly walking the cancer road was about the farthest thing from the journey I desired. But after the shock wore off and our new normal set in, I began to ask God the same question I asked Him five years earlier: What do you want me to learn on this journey? This isn’t the journey I’d choose, God, but if this is what You have for me, I want to walk it well.

God certainly has answered that question by teaching me many priceless lessons along this undesired-but-so-valuable journey. After reflecting on this past year and a half, here are a few lessons I continue to learn on my journey:

photo by alq666

Slow down.

A couple years before I married my husband Jared, I lived a very fast-paced life as a fourth grade Language Arts teacher. My work was never finished as I was constantly grading essays, personal narratives, and biography scrapbooks. In my spare time, my college roommates and I created and presented a teenage girls’ conference. Just in case that wasn’t enough, I also was completing my master’s degree in teaching and writing.

Every minute of my time was accounted for and though it was a rich season, I was exhausted. So exhausted that I took a year’s leave of absence to move to Orlando for a change of scenery to write for Campus Crusade for Christ’s magazine. Since that time, God has been teaching me about slowing down and used my cancer diagnosis to drive home the lesson.

Over the course of the last year and half, God has taught me that when He said “Remember the Sabbath by keeping it holy” in the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:8), He wasn’t just suggesting that if I didn’t have anything else to do, I could take a nap. He tells us to rest because He knows that not only our minds but our physical bodies and hearts need a break to restore and rejuvenate. Resting still isn’t natural to me, but I notice that when I slow the pace of my life down, I am much more attentive to what matters in life and much more likely to tune in to hear from God.

photo by altemark

Listen.

As described above, I lived quite a full life and stopping to listen wasn’t really on my to-do list. Sure, I made time to read my Bible and write in my prayer journal, but I was mostly the one doing the talking rather than intentionally listening to hear what God had to say to me. Quieting my mind of the constant distractions takes intentional effort but I find that when I do, I often hear God impressing on my heart a significant truth that I needed and that He wants me to hear.

photo by mpclemens

Spend my time wisely.

One of the byproducts of looking cancer in the face is thinking about the legacy I want my life to leave. Although I have always tried to live intentionally, I have been thinking more about how I am spending my time and if it is honoring to God. For instance, shopping is one of my favorite pastimes and I could spend hours walking around my favorite stores searching for bargains. There is certainly nothing wrong with enjoying shopping, but if I am often spending my time shopping to merely distract myself from life’s stress with cute shoes, I need to reevaluate my priorities. I have been trying to look at life through a more intentional lens and ask myself, “is this a good and healthy use of my time?”

photo by Hamed Saber

Leave the control to God.

I wouldn’t say I am an off-the-charts control freak, but I guess anyone that starts off this sentence that way has a bit of control running through her blood. Ha! As I’ve analyzed my life, I’ve realized that one of the ways I try to control life is by worrying. Somehow I think if I constantly chew on a thought over and over, it will prepare me for a pending disaster. God has taught me so much about this concept, but I still have many days where I drive myself crazy worrying about what-if scenarios.

Recently I’ve been realizing that I’ve tried to control my life post-cancer by eating a strict diet. When I find myself assessing in my mind if that food dish is better than the other or keeping a runny tally of how many veggies I’ve eaten for that day, I know that I’m leaning a bit too far toward control. While I know eating healthy directly relates to my health and is extremely important, God has also been showing me that He is ultimately in control of my future—not me or the healthy nutrients I consume.

Five years ago, I naively and romantically thought that by marrying the man of my dreams, I would arrive at one of life’s sunny rose-filled destinations. And although I love being married to my husband and have been blessed by my marriage, I have come to realize this is only one aspect of my journey.

Having a thriving marriage is not the destination. Nor is having children. Or having the perfect job. Or being cancer-free. Yes, these are highlights along the journey but they are not the destination because they will never provide the satisfaction that we are looking for them to give.

Instead, God is teaching me to seek Him along my journey, even when the path twists and turns with highs and lows and takes me to places I never wanted to go. He is reminding me to keep my eyes on Him and ask Him to reveal the lessons in my journey.

When we do this, He promises to give us a hope that doesn’t disappoint and a peace that surpasses all understanding. And experiencing His presence is by far the most satisfying destination.

God said [to Moses], “My presence will go with you. I’ll see the journey to the end.” (Exodus 33:14, The Message)

“Your life is a journey you must travel with a deep consciousness of God.”  (1 Peter 1:18a, The Message)

As I write, I am sitting out on my deck basking in the warm air and watching the sun fade behind the horizon on Tuesday evening. I am feeling especially reflective right now because Jared and I just returned from my one year check-up with my oncologist. After an MRI and blood work on Friday, we were pleased to learn today that my body looked healthy with no sign of cancer recurrence. Thankful hearts doesn’t even begin to describe our sentiments.

Earlier today while Jared and I sat in the waiting room to be called for my appointment, I couldn’t help but notice the women sitting close to me with scarves on their heads. Oh, how much I can empathize with the journey they are traveling. Then after my appointment as we left the hospital, we rode the elevator with a woman wearing a cute hat on her bald head. “I like your hat,” I told her, remembering all too well how uplifting it was when others commented rather than stared.  Desiring to encourage her, I shared with her that I just finished my first year check-up. I asked her where she was in her journey and she replied, “Ten years.” Her response startled me but the elevator doors opened before she could share more details. As Jared and I walked to our car, I felt a bit somber thinking about her situation compared to mine. Ten years?! Just as that thought threatened to steal the joy of my good report, I felt God gently remind me, “One day at a time.”

Oh, right. Thank You, Father, for the reminder. You want me to live fully in today and You will take care of tomorrow. One day, one year at a time…

“It is because of the Lord’s mercy and loving-kindness
that we are not consumed,
because His [tender] compassions fail not.
They are new every morning;
great and abundant is Your stability and faithfulness.
The Lord is my portion or share, says my living being (my inner self);
therefore will I hope in Him and wait expectantly for Him.”
Lamentations 3:22-24, Amplified Version

Every Thanksgiving my family has a tradition that we take turns sharing what we are thankful for that year. It is one of my most favorite traditions because I love taking the time to reflect on the year and how God has carried me through different events. I also enjoy hearing how God has worked in my family members’ lives.

For this upcoming Thanksgiving, I already know what I will share. It came to me today at my six month check-up at my oncologist’s office: No cancer cells detected  in my body! What a relief this was to hear, and we are so very grateful.

It’s interesting when you walk through a major health crisis how much more tuned in you become to the simplest blessings. A sunny day. A free evening home with my husband. A stocked pantry. A smile. A new red coat. A favorite song on the radio. A green tea misto. A bright orange leaf. A thoughtful text. I could sit here for a long time listing the blessings that have made my heart swell. I am so grateful for every day God gives me and I want to be intentional about thanking Him for the simple gifts each day.

May we be filled with gratitude this month for the many ways God has shown up for us this year!

A theme that has continued to encourage me throughout the last year is the beauty of community. There are not enough words to articulate how touched I have been by the way people have loved and supported Jared and me.

This was on my mind today as I brought my Bible up to my deck for some reflection time. The passage that I read was 2 Corinthians 1. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes as I read because it was exactly what I needed to hear today. Below are the words that touched me from the Message version:

“All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, He brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of His healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too…

We don’t want you in the dark, friends, about how hard it was when all this came down on us in Asia province. It was so bad we didn’t think we were going to make it. We felt like we’d been sent to death row, that it was all over for us. As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get out of it, we were forced to trust God totally—not a bad idea since He’s the God who raises the dead! And He did it, rescued us from certain doom. And He’ll do it again, rescuing us as many times as we need rescuing. You and your prayers are part of the rescue operation—I don’t want you in the dark about that either. I can see your faces even now, lifted in praise for God’s deliverance of us, a rescue in which your prayers played such a crucial part.” (vs 3-5, 8-11)

Paul wrote this letter to the church in Corinth but in many ways, I feel like he expressed many of my own feelings. Here are a few of his phrases that stuck out to me:

“[God] comes alongside of us when we go through hard times” (vs 4).

There is no doubt in my mind that God carried me through this last year. I still shake my head in disbelief when I reflect on all that’s happened—and all that I could never have endured without God’s strength. These are not just words that sound nice—they are the truth of what strengthened me to put one foot in front of the other this past year.

“Before you know it, [God] brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us” (vs 4).

God has used the stories of so many of you to encourage and strengthen me. For example, one of our dear family friends is five years down the remission road from colon cancer. We emailed recently because I asked her how she moved past the fear of possible reoccurrence. She candidly responded about her struggle with fear but also shared the truths that have helped her rest in God’s promises each day. God used her troubles to encourage and inspire me, and He couldn’t have used her in the same way if she hadn’t experienced such difficulties.

I can’t possibly verbalize all that I’ve learned through this health crisis, but one lesson is for sure: there is beauty and freedom in vulnerably sharing our stories with each other. I think of another family friend who struggled with infertility. The cards I received from her were so rich in empathy, even though our situations were quite different. I didn’t even know about her situation but I could tell that God deepened her through her troubles. As a result, she brought comfort to me.

I have been praying that God would use this cancer road for His glory, and one way I believe He does that is through allowing our disappointments to comfort others. As I type this, one of my dear friends is walking through a tremendous difficulty. I don’t have inspiring words that will change her situation, but I can offer empathy to facing a situation so far from what you’ve envisioned. In His infinite wisdom, God is using this commonality to bond us even closer as friends.

“It was so bad we didn’t think we were going to make it. We felt like we’d been sent to death row, that it was all over for us. As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get out of it, we were forced to trust God totally—not a bad idea since He’s the God who raises the dead!” (vs 8,9). [Verse nine in the New International Version says, “But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.”]

You should have seen me as I was reading this section. I was enthusiastically nodding my head, agreeing right along with Paul. Yep, there were times I “didn’t think I was going to make it.” And even now, I can still feel twinges of this despair.

Yet, Paul follows this up by explaining that he was “forced to trust God totally.” I know a little bit about that. As a recovering perfectionist, I have prided myself in being able to accomplish whatever lies in front of me. Being diagnosed with cancer and walking a road that was so completely foreign to me forced me to rely on God (and continues to!). I couldn’t find the map for this crazy journey to navigate it myself, so instead had to throw up my hands and say, “Okay, God, lead me because I can’t do it on my own.” I think that’s His goal all along because in these types of instances He receives the glory for what’s accomplished rather than how well I performed in my own strength.

“And He did it, rescuing us from certain doom, And He’ll do it again, rescuing us as many times as we need rescuing.” [The second half of verse 10 in the NIV says, “On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us” (vs 10).]

Amen to that! I was thinking as I read this verse that if God would have told me a while back that this was the road He intended for me, I think I would have crumbled with fear. But thankfully, He gave (and continues to give) me grace and courage to persevere when faced with the situation. I say this because I don’t know what the future holds (none of us do…darn it!) but I do know that I can set my hope on HIM that He will continue to deliver me.

“You and your prayers are part of the rescue operation—I don’t want you in the dark about that either…a rescue in which your prayers played a crucial part” (vs 11).

I don’t think I need to express much more than what Paul already said. Thank you for the way you encouraged my heart through your prayers for me. In light of this, I wanted to share my most recent email and update about my health sent to my family and friends.

August 18, 2010

Hi dear friends,
Since you have been so incredibly supportive of me throughout my journey, I wanted to let you know that we [finally] received news that my 3-month check-up was clear. Thank you, Lord!!! I had my ultrasound back at the beginning of August and then my oncologist appointment on August 10th. They had a mix-up with my blood work, and so I had to go back downtown to get it redone. Needless to say, I was grateful to finally hear tonight that everything looked good. (I know it wasn’t that long, but waiting for news like this is extra tough!)

Since being released with the “good-to-go” dismissal three months ago, I have definitely had a range of emotions. Jared and I have likened it to the aftermath of a storm. The storm’s winds blew hard and the rain was intense, but we survived. However, after the storm passed we realized how much debris there was in the aftermath. It’s been challenging to face so many fears and realities. I wouldn’t say I was prepared for how hard the last three months were going to be but as I’ve gone to the depths of myself, I’ve learned many lessons. First and foremost, God has been reminding me that He is consistent and faithful – no matter what news we receive. I also have had moments of great joy and gratefulness. Celebrating my 30th birthday with many friends and family this summer was a wonderful encouragement. God has been SO good to me.

I do have one prayer request on my heart. And since I have never held back in the past, I thought I’d continue the transparency. My blood work has shown that my hormones are very off balance and currently in menopause range. My oncologist does not think that they will always stay there, but these next few months are crucial for my ovary to “wake up.” (One side effect of chemo is that the ovary can go into sleep mode.) It is the desire of Jared’s and my heart to be able to have our own children, and our prayer is that my hormones will be able to balance themselves out so that this could happen. However, I told the doctor recently that my top desire is to be healthy so if we have to look into other options in terms of children, we are willing to do that. I say all of this to ask that as God brings me to mind, would you pray that He would touch my body and straighten out my hormones? If for no other reason than for my body to be as healthy as it can be. Yet, if there’s anything I’ve learned through all of this, it’s to keep an open hand and trust God’s best for me, and so we do trust Him with my health, our desires, and our future.

Thanks for reading this long-winded message and thanks a million for your prayers and encouragement.
Much love,
Michelle and Jared

May you and I both allow God to comfort our hearts with the circumstances in front of us so that we can comfort those He places in our paths.

Thank you for your patience as I’ve taken a hiatus from blogging. I felt that I needed to step away for a while to process all that has occurred over the last nine months. Below is a blog entry that I’ve been preparing for some time. I will update you more on what I am learning these days in my upcoming entries. Again, thanks so much for your prayers and encouragement!

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Recently while flying to Florida, I flipped through a beauty magazine to pass the time. I came across a page that asked celebrities “What are you insecure about?” and I was struck by several of their responses:

• Anna Kendrick (The Twilight Saga): “I get insecure about everything. I’m still bewildered when people know my name or my face. I can’t figure out what they would possibly want to talk to me for.”

• Rachel Bilson (The O.C.): “Plenty of things make me feel insecure. I just choose to ignore them as much as I can.”

• Viola Davis (Eat, Pray, Love): “That they make these clothes for women who have no behind and no thighs. And I have been endowed with some of both.”

What would your response be if you were asked that question?

My insecurities have definitely felt exposed as I’ve navigated this cancer journey. For instance, since I don’t like to stand out, the inevitable glances that result in wearing a scarf on my head make me feel self-conscious. I can hardly walk through Target without feeling people’s stares.  Of course I know the double takes are motivated by concern or curiosity, but they still play into my insecurities.

I’ve noticed even the most insignificant situations can cause my insecurities to flare, as was the case a few months ago. I decided to book a massage at a nearby massage school to knead out the knots in my back caused by my chemo. When I arrived, I filled out their medical history form—not even considering that writing “cancer” on the form would stir up questions. When finished, I followed the massage therapist to the assigned room where she gave me her quick instructions before stepping out so I could undress. Lying on the table, I waited under the sheet for my massage for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, the door creaked open but instead of the masseuse, her supervisor entered the room.

“Excuse me, Mrs. Warner, do you have cancer?” he whispered, trying not to ruin the relaxing mood in the room. Startled, I told him that I had an ovarian tumor removed and was almost finished with my chemo. He nodded his head, saying he would discuss this information with the masseuse and left the room. After several more minutes, the massage finally began.

From the onset of my massage, it was obvious the sweet masseuse was worried that even the slightest pressure would cause me pain. As a result, her massage felt more like a gentle breeze than therapeutic kneading. I certainly didn’t blame her and appreciated her concern, but the whole situation caused me to feel insecure, although I couldn’t quite put my finger on the reason.

Pondering more about the situation on my way home, I realized I was insecure because it felt like there was a huge neon arrow pointing at me, highlighting that I was different. I just wanted receive a routine, relaxing massage and instead was reminded of how “unique” my situation was.

This thought took me back to the teenage girls’ conference that my college roommates and I created several years ago. In one of the sessions, we discussed a girl’s desire to be accepted. In order to feel accepted, we may try to fill the void in countless ways—a  relationship with a guy, a friendship, achievement, etc.—but they are never enough because we are looking in the wrong places. We shared with them that although it’s a normal desire to want to feel accepted, we need to channel that desire to find security in God first. Finding our acceptance first in Him offers more fulfillment than anything else possibly can. We pointed them to John 10:10: “Jesus said, ‘I have come that they may have life and have it abundantly.’”

As I drove home recalling Jesus’ encouraging promise, I realized that the truth I shared with those girls is also the truth for me. (Duh!)  Although fitting in is a common desire, I can’t become so wrapped up in seeking other’s acceptance that I forget how crucial it is to spend my energy focusing on God’s truth. His truth declares that my security comes from Him and the worth He gives me rather than my physical features or others’ perceptions of me.

I also realized a key point that day: while our insecurities may never completely disappear, we can always manage our responses to them.

Which got me thinking…

When we feel insecure, do we:

-become defensive and lash out?
-disengage and close up?
-criticize or judge?
-obsess about the situation?
-fall apart in a puddle of tears?
-ignore the problem all together?

Or do we:

-assess the root of our insecurity?
-bring our hurts and disappointments to God?
-recognize God’s truth in our current situation?

When my insecurities are exposed like during my massage, I can feel my emotions rising and I’m tempted to respond in the ways described in the first list above.  But I am learning that before I react, I need to share my insecurities with God, asking Him to reveal the root of my insecurities and lead me to His truth. When done effectively, this process allows me to respond to my insecurities in a healthy manner rather than allowing my shame, hurt, or anger to control me.

In her new book, So Long, Insecurity, Beth Moore reiterates this truth: “When you and I are triggered to expose the most vulnerable, broken parts of ourselves through a rush of insecurity, we can train ourselves to immediately recite this truth to our souls: ‘It’s okay. I’m completely covered [by God].’ And oddly, that very thought all by itself begins the healing. We are not nearly as likely to react with the same level of insecurity when we remember how well covered we are by God” (155).

This approach has helped me tremendously when I encounter situations that expose my insecurities. A little while ago after my chemo treatments had ended, I met some friends for pedicures. Because I wore a scarf on my head, the nail technician leaned over to my friend and asked if I was well enough to receive a pedicure. I could sense the neon arrow again pointing in my direction. But before I reacted, I gave myself a little pep talk, reminding myself of the worth God has given me. I laughed off the comment, choosing to enjoy my time out with my friends. Ruminating on God’s truth and promises helps to re-center me, especially when my insecurities attempt to overtake me like rising flood waters.

Although this post only begins the discussion on insecurity, addressing and understanding our own insecurities it is an important first step. My prayer for each of our journeys is that we seek to become godly, healthy women who are life-giving to those around us. Whether our insecurities are exposed through mediocre massages or other situations, we can lean on the Lord for our ultimate security and confidence.

“Whom have I in heaven but You?
And I have no delight or desire on earth besides You.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the Rock and firm Strength of my heart and my Portion forever…
But it is good for me to draw near to God;
I have put my trust in the Lord God and made Him my refuge.”
Psalm 73: 25-26, 28