Today is one of those days of reflection when I look back over the past several years and feel so, so grateful for all God has done in my life and all He has brought me through. Two years ago today I finished my last chemo treatment. Wow. There truly aren’t enough words for me to express my gratitude to be two years past that challenging season.

This weekend I have the exciting opportunity to speak at a women’s conference in Orlando. As I’ve been preparing for my talk, God has been working on my heart in the process. I love how that happens! One of the Scripture passages I was researching was in Genesis 3 when the serpent convinces Eve to take a bite of the apple. I was reminded all over again as I read this story how the she took a bite because she became convinced that God was holding out on her. That maybe God didn’t know what He was talking about and maybe, just maybe, He needed Eve to help Him.

How often am I in this situation in life? When I begin to doubt God’s good heart toward me and begin thinking maybe I should help God. And the way I try to help Him is by grasping for a bit of a control. Because in my mind, I inaccurately decide I need to take control for what God clearly hasn’t.

I am reflecting on all of these thoughts today because they bring me back to two+ years ago. I had to continually and intentionally work through my disappointment about my cancer diagnosis so as to not accuse God of holding out on me or not coming through for me. When life turns totally upside down, our (my) human nature is to decide God must have fallen asleep on the job, that if He cared He would do something. It’s so tempting to buy into the lie that God must not have our good in mind.

There were definitely days when I struggled believing that God had my good in mind, but it’s amazing what perspective will bring. Now two years out from that very challenging time, I see much more clearly that God was working for my good and for His glory. (And this brings me encouragement on the days when I battle all over again with wondering if God sees me in my current situations.) I believe that sometimes we must just hold onto that truth by faith until the fog lifts and we can see a clearer picture. And I’m learning that God doesn’t need any help at being God, and in His sovereignty, He knows exactly what He’s doing. Even when at times life feels totally out of control, God is fully in control and working out the situation in a way that brings us greater good and Him greater glory. How amazing is that.

I certainly don’t want to sound trite. I’ve seen and experienced enough to realize that life isn’t easily wrapped up in a tidy bow. Sometimes we may feel the fog never lifts and God seems quite distant. I can empathize in a small way because the truth is I don’t know what’s in store for my future. And to be quite honest, that make me shake in my boots some days. But through the last two and a half years, God has deepened Jared’s and my trust in Him–not just a Pollyanna trust, but an experiential God-will-give-us-what-we-need-even-if-we-don’t-understand trust. And so today I rest in the knowledge that He has been so faithful to us in the past, and so no matter what comes our way in the future, He will be faithful through those challenges too.

Today I celebrate all that He has done in Jared’s and my life over the past two years since finishing chemo. He has been so very good to us and we rejoice!

***

“Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him.” Psalm 34:8

“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:13,14

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28

Thank you for praying for my 16-month check up. I am so pleased to report that the ultrasound came back normal and I was sent on my way for another four months. As I stated on my facebook status, I am learning to not take my health for granted ever again.

Humbled, grateful, and breathing a deep sigh of relief…

My friend, Rachael, author of a great blog entitled To Be a Mom, asked if I would be willing to write a post for her Travel Thursday. Below is what she posted on her blog. I encourage you to visit it when you have a minute; she is an incredible woman with much insight, especially in how to live intentionally as a mom. She writes five days a week with topics related to Maniac Monday, Toddler Tuesday, Wednesday Words, Travel Thursday, and Financial Friday.

***

As we talk about travel each Thursday we also often think about journeys. As we seek our destination it is the journey that has the most impact. Today Michelle from Insight for Girls is going to take us on a journey of a different kind and challenge us to think about our steps differently.

photo by mikebaird

“Life is a journey, not a destination.” Ralph Walden Emerson

When I was in my mid 20s, a quote I loved hung from my bathroom mirror. It said:

“Remember, God is interested in the journey, not just the destination…God is in no rush… He wants to use this process, and all the questions and uncertainties it involves, to refine us, sanctify us, and increase our faith.” (Joshua Harris, Boy Meets Girl)

During that season of life, I eagerly desired to meet the man God intended for me to marry. I repeatedly read the quote above and reminded myself that the journey mattered. How I waited mattered. How I dated mattered. I vulnerably gave God my hopes as I trusted Him with my heart’s journey.

Fast forward five-plus years. In God’s perfect timing, I met and married my husband and moved to Chicago to begin our life together. Finally, I had arrived at my long-awaited destination. Or so I thought.

A year and a half into marriage, much to our shock, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. My sweet, ideal world of playing house with my husband was rudely interrupted by an extremely frightening health issue. For the next six months, I underwent two surgeries and chemotherapy, complete with losing all of my hair.

Clearly, being diagnosed with cancer was no where near the destination I envisioned. And certainly walking the cancer road was about the farthest thing from the journey I desired. But after the shock wore off and our new normal set in, I began to ask God the same question I asked Him five years earlier: What do you want me to learn on this journey? This isn’t the journey I’d choose, God, but if this is what You have for me, I want to walk it well.

God certainly has answered that question by teaching me many priceless lessons along this undesired-but-so-valuable journey. After reflecting on this past year and a half, here are a few lessons I continue to learn on my journey:

photo by alq666

Slow down.

A couple years before I married my husband Jared, I lived a very fast-paced life as a fourth grade Language Arts teacher. My work was never finished as I was constantly grading essays, personal narratives, and biography scrapbooks. In my spare time, my college roommates and I created and presented a teenage girls’ conference. Just in case that wasn’t enough, I also was completing my master’s degree in teaching and writing.

Every minute of my time was accounted for and though it was a rich season, I was exhausted. So exhausted that I took a year’s leave of absence to move to Orlando for a change of scenery to write for Campus Crusade for Christ’s magazine. Since that time, God has been teaching me about slowing down and used my cancer diagnosis to drive home the lesson.

Over the course of the last year and half, God has taught me that when He said “Remember the Sabbath by keeping it holy” in the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:8), He wasn’t just suggesting that if I didn’t have anything else to do, I could take a nap. He tells us to rest because He knows that not only our minds but our physical bodies and hearts need a break to restore and rejuvenate. Resting still isn’t natural to me, but I notice that when I slow the pace of my life down, I am much more attentive to what matters in life and much more likely to tune in to hear from God.

photo by altemark

Listen.

As described above, I lived quite a full life and stopping to listen wasn’t really on my to-do list. Sure, I made time to read my Bible and write in my prayer journal, but I was mostly the one doing the talking rather than intentionally listening to hear what God had to say to me. Quieting my mind of the constant distractions takes intentional effort but I find that when I do, I often hear God impressing on my heart a significant truth that I needed and that He wants me to hear.

photo by mpclemens

Spend my time wisely.

One of the byproducts of looking cancer in the face is thinking about the legacy I want my life to leave. Although I have always tried to live intentionally, I have been thinking more about how I am spending my time and if it is honoring to God. For instance, shopping is one of my favorite pastimes and I could spend hours walking around my favorite stores searching for bargains. There is certainly nothing wrong with enjoying shopping, but if I am often spending my time shopping to merely distract myself from life’s stress with cute shoes, I need to reevaluate my priorities. I have been trying to look at life through a more intentional lens and ask myself, “is this a good and healthy use of my time?”

photo by Hamed Saber

Leave the control to God.

I wouldn’t say I am an off-the-charts control freak, but I guess anyone that starts off this sentence that way has a bit of control running through her blood. Ha! As I’ve analyzed my life, I’ve realized that one of the ways I try to control life is by worrying. Somehow I think if I constantly chew on a thought over and over, it will prepare me for a pending disaster. God has taught me so much about this concept, but I still have many days where I drive myself crazy worrying about what-if scenarios.

Recently I’ve been realizing that I’ve tried to control my life post-cancer by eating a strict diet. When I find myself assessing in my mind if that food dish is better than the other or keeping a runny tally of how many veggies I’ve eaten for that day, I know that I’m leaning a bit too far toward control. While I know eating healthy directly relates to my health and is extremely important, God has also been showing me that He is ultimately in control of my future—not me or the healthy nutrients I consume.

Five years ago, I naively and romantically thought that by marrying the man of my dreams, I would arrive at one of life’s sunny rose-filled destinations. And although I love being married to my husband and have been blessed by my marriage, I have come to realize this is only one aspect of my journey.

Having a thriving marriage is not the destination. Nor is having children. Or having the perfect job. Or being cancer-free. Yes, these are highlights along the journey but they are not the destination because they will never provide the satisfaction that we are looking for them to give.

Instead, God is teaching me to seek Him along my journey, even when the path twists and turns with highs and lows and takes me to places I never wanted to go. He is reminding me to keep my eyes on Him and ask Him to reveal the lessons in my journey.

When we do this, He promises to give us a hope that doesn’t disappoint and a peace that surpasses all understanding. And experiencing His presence is by far the most satisfying destination.

God said [to Moses], “My presence will go with you. I’ll see the journey to the end.” (Exodus 33:14, The Message)

“Your life is a journey you must travel with a deep consciousness of God.”  (1 Peter 1:18a, The Message)

As I write, I am sitting out on my deck basking in the warm air and watching the sun fade behind the horizon on Tuesday evening. I am feeling especially reflective right now because Jared and I just returned from my one year check-up with my oncologist. After an MRI and blood work on Friday, we were pleased to learn today that my body looked healthy with no sign of cancer recurrence. Thankful hearts doesn’t even begin to describe our sentiments.

Earlier today while Jared and I sat in the waiting room to be called for my appointment, I couldn’t help but notice the women sitting close to me with scarves on their heads. Oh, how much I can empathize with the journey they are traveling. Then after my appointment as we left the hospital, we rode the elevator with a woman wearing a cute hat on her bald head. “I like your hat,” I told her, remembering all too well how uplifting it was when others commented rather than stared.  Desiring to encourage her, I shared with her that I just finished my first year check-up. I asked her where she was in her journey and she replied, “Ten years.” Her response startled me but the elevator doors opened before she could share more details. As Jared and I walked to our car, I felt a bit somber thinking about her situation compared to mine. Ten years?! Just as that thought threatened to steal the joy of my good report, I felt God gently remind me, “One day at a time.”

Oh, right. Thank You, Father, for the reminder. You want me to live fully in today and You will take care of tomorrow. One day, one year at a time…

“It is because of the Lord’s mercy and loving-kindness
that we are not consumed,
because His [tender] compassions fail not.
They are new every morning;
great and abundant is Your stability and faithfulness.
The Lord is my portion or share, says my living being (my inner self);
therefore will I hope in Him and wait expectantly for Him.”
Lamentations 3:22-24, Amplified Version

Every Thanksgiving my family has a tradition that we take turns sharing what we are thankful for that year. It is one of my most favorite traditions because I love taking the time to reflect on the year and how God has carried me through different events. I also enjoy hearing how God has worked in my family members’ lives.

For this upcoming Thanksgiving, I already know what I will share. It came to me today at my six month check-up at my oncologist’s office: No cancer cells detected  in my body! What a relief this was to hear, and we are so very grateful.

It’s interesting when you walk through a major health crisis how much more tuned in you become to the simplest blessings. A sunny day. A free evening home with my husband. A stocked pantry. A smile. A new red coat. A favorite song on the radio. A green tea misto. A bright orange leaf. A thoughtful text. I could sit here for a long time listing the blessings that have made my heart swell. I am so grateful for every day God gives me and I want to be intentional about thanking Him for the simple gifts each day.

May we be filled with gratitude this month for the many ways God has shown up for us this year!

A theme that has continued to encourage me throughout the last year is the beauty of community. There are not enough words to articulate how touched I have been by the way people have loved and supported Jared and me.

This was on my mind today as I brought my Bible up to my deck for some reflection time. The passage that I read was 2 Corinthians 1. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes as I read because it was exactly what I needed to hear today. Below are the words that touched me from the Message version:

“All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, He brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of His healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too…

We don’t want you in the dark, friends, about how hard it was when all this came down on us in Asia province. It was so bad we didn’t think we were going to make it. We felt like we’d been sent to death row, that it was all over for us. As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get out of it, we were forced to trust God totally—not a bad idea since He’s the God who raises the dead! And He did it, rescued us from certain doom. And He’ll do it again, rescuing us as many times as we need rescuing. You and your prayers are part of the rescue operation—I don’t want you in the dark about that either. I can see your faces even now, lifted in praise for God’s deliverance of us, a rescue in which your prayers played such a crucial part.” (vs 3-5, 8-11)

Paul wrote this letter to the church in Corinth but in many ways, I feel like he expressed many of my own feelings. Here are a few of his phrases that stuck out to me:

“[God] comes alongside of us when we go through hard times” (vs 4).

There is no doubt in my mind that God carried me through this last year. I still shake my head in disbelief when I reflect on all that’s happened—and all that I could never have endured without God’s strength. These are not just words that sound nice—they are the truth of what strengthened me to put one foot in front of the other this past year.

“Before you know it, [God] brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us” (vs 4).

God has used the stories of so many of you to encourage and strengthen me. For example, one of our dear family friends is five years down the remission road from colon cancer. We emailed recently because I asked her how she moved past the fear of possible reoccurrence. She candidly responded about her struggle with fear but also shared the truths that have helped her rest in God’s promises each day. God used her troubles to encourage and inspire me, and He couldn’t have used her in the same way if she hadn’t experienced such difficulties.

I can’t possibly verbalize all that I’ve learned through this health crisis, but one lesson is for sure: there is beauty and freedom in vulnerably sharing our stories with each other. I think of another family friend who struggled with infertility. The cards I received from her were so rich in empathy, even though our situations were quite different. I didn’t even know about her situation but I could tell that God deepened her through her troubles. As a result, she brought comfort to me.

I have been praying that God would use this cancer road for His glory, and one way I believe He does that is through allowing our disappointments to comfort others. As I type this, one of my dear friends is walking through a tremendous difficulty. I don’t have inspiring words that will change her situation, but I can offer empathy to facing a situation so far from what you’ve envisioned. In His infinite wisdom, God is using this commonality to bond us even closer as friends.

“It was so bad we didn’t think we were going to make it. We felt like we’d been sent to death row, that it was all over for us. As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get out of it, we were forced to trust God totally—not a bad idea since He’s the God who raises the dead!” (vs 8,9). [Verse nine in the New International Version says, “But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.”]

You should have seen me as I was reading this section. I was enthusiastically nodding my head, agreeing right along with Paul. Yep, there were times I “didn’t think I was going to make it.” And even now, I can still feel twinges of this despair.

Yet, Paul follows this up by explaining that he was “forced to trust God totally.” I know a little bit about that. As a recovering perfectionist, I have prided myself in being able to accomplish whatever lies in front of me. Being diagnosed with cancer and walking a road that was so completely foreign to me forced me to rely on God (and continues to!). I couldn’t find the map for this crazy journey to navigate it myself, so instead had to throw up my hands and say, “Okay, God, lead me because I can’t do it on my own.” I think that’s His goal all along because in these types of instances He receives the glory for what’s accomplished rather than how well I performed in my own strength.

“And He did it, rescuing us from certain doom, And He’ll do it again, rescuing us as many times as we need rescuing.” [The second half of verse 10 in the NIV says, “On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us” (vs 10).]

Amen to that! I was thinking as I read this verse that if God would have told me a while back that this was the road He intended for me, I think I would have crumbled with fear. But thankfully, He gave (and continues to give) me grace and courage to persevere when faced with the situation. I say this because I don’t know what the future holds (none of us do…darn it!) but I do know that I can set my hope on HIM that He will continue to deliver me.

“You and your prayers are part of the rescue operation—I don’t want you in the dark about that either…a rescue in which your prayers played a crucial part” (vs 11).

I don’t think I need to express much more than what Paul already said. Thank you for the way you encouraged my heart through your prayers for me. In light of this, I wanted to share my most recent email and update about my health sent to my family and friends.

August 18, 2010

Hi dear friends,
Since you have been so incredibly supportive of me throughout my journey, I wanted to let you know that we [finally] received news that my 3-month check-up was clear. Thank you, Lord!!! I had my ultrasound back at the beginning of August and then my oncologist appointment on August 10th. They had a mix-up with my blood work, and so I had to go back downtown to get it redone. Needless to say, I was grateful to finally hear tonight that everything looked good. (I know it wasn’t that long, but waiting for news like this is extra tough!)

Since being released with the “good-to-go” dismissal three months ago, I have definitely had a range of emotions. Jared and I have likened it to the aftermath of a storm. The storm’s winds blew hard and the rain was intense, but we survived. However, after the storm passed we realized how much debris there was in the aftermath. It’s been challenging to face so many fears and realities. I wouldn’t say I was prepared for how hard the last three months were going to be but as I’ve gone to the depths of myself, I’ve learned many lessons. First and foremost, God has been reminding me that He is consistent and faithful – no matter what news we receive. I also have had moments of great joy and gratefulness. Celebrating my 30th birthday with many friends and family this summer was a wonderful encouragement. God has been SO good to me.

I do have one prayer request on my heart. And since I have never held back in the past, I thought I’d continue the transparency. My blood work has shown that my hormones are very off balance and currently in menopause range. My oncologist does not think that they will always stay there, but these next few months are crucial for my ovary to “wake up.” (One side effect of chemo is that the ovary can go into sleep mode.) It is the desire of Jared’s and my heart to be able to have our own children, and our prayer is that my hormones will be able to balance themselves out so that this could happen. However, I told the doctor recently that my top desire is to be healthy so if we have to look into other options in terms of children, we are willing to do that. I say all of this to ask that as God brings me to mind, would you pray that He would touch my body and straighten out my hormones? If for no other reason than for my body to be as healthy as it can be. Yet, if there’s anything I’ve learned through all of this, it’s to keep an open hand and trust God’s best for me, and so we do trust Him with my health, our desires, and our future.

Thanks for reading this long-winded message and thanks a million for your prayers and encouragement.
Much love,
Michelle and Jared

May you and I both allow God to comfort our hearts with the circumstances in front of us so that we can comfort those He places in our paths.

Thank you for your patience as I’ve taken a hiatus from blogging. I felt that I needed to step away for a while to process all that has occurred over the last nine months. Below is a blog entry that I’ve been preparing for some time. I will update you more on what I am learning these days in my upcoming entries. Again, thanks so much for your prayers and encouragement!

***

Recently while flying to Florida, I flipped through a beauty magazine to pass the time. I came across a page that asked celebrities “What are you insecure about?” and I was struck by several of their responses:

• Anna Kendrick (The Twilight Saga): “I get insecure about everything. I’m still bewildered when people know my name or my face. I can’t figure out what they would possibly want to talk to me for.”

• Rachel Bilson (The O.C.): “Plenty of things make me feel insecure. I just choose to ignore them as much as I can.”

• Viola Davis (Eat, Pray, Love): “That they make these clothes for women who have no behind and no thighs. And I have been endowed with some of both.”

What would your response be if you were asked that question?

My insecurities have definitely felt exposed as I’ve navigated this cancer journey. For instance, since I don’t like to stand out, the inevitable glances that result in wearing a scarf on my head make me feel self-conscious. I can hardly walk through Target without feeling people’s stares.  Of course I know the double takes are motivated by concern or curiosity, but they still play into my insecurities.

I’ve noticed even the most insignificant situations can cause my insecurities to flare, as was the case a few months ago. I decided to book a massage at a nearby massage school to knead out the knots in my back caused by my chemo. When I arrived, I filled out their medical history form—not even considering that writing “cancer” on the form would stir up questions. When finished, I followed the massage therapist to the assigned room where she gave me her quick instructions before stepping out so I could undress. Lying on the table, I waited under the sheet for my massage for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, the door creaked open but instead of the masseuse, her supervisor entered the room.

“Excuse me, Mrs. Warner, do you have cancer?” he whispered, trying not to ruin the relaxing mood in the room. Startled, I told him that I had an ovarian tumor removed and was almost finished with my chemo. He nodded his head, saying he would discuss this information with the masseuse and left the room. After several more minutes, the massage finally began.

From the onset of my massage, it was obvious the sweet masseuse was worried that even the slightest pressure would cause me pain. As a result, her massage felt more like a gentle breeze than therapeutic kneading. I certainly didn’t blame her and appreciated her concern, but the whole situation caused me to feel insecure, although I couldn’t quite put my finger on the reason.

Pondering more about the situation on my way home, I realized I was insecure because it felt like there was a huge neon arrow pointing at me, highlighting that I was different. I just wanted receive a routine, relaxing massage and instead was reminded of how “unique” my situation was.

This thought took me back to the teenage girls’ conference that my college roommates and I created several years ago. In one of the sessions, we discussed a girl’s desire to be accepted. In order to feel accepted, we may try to fill the void in countless ways—a  relationship with a guy, a friendship, achievement, etc.—but they are never enough because we are looking in the wrong places. We shared with them that although it’s a normal desire to want to feel accepted, we need to channel that desire to find security in God first. Finding our acceptance first in Him offers more fulfillment than anything else possibly can. We pointed them to John 10:10: “Jesus said, ‘I have come that they may have life and have it abundantly.’”

As I drove home recalling Jesus’ encouraging promise, I realized that the truth I shared with those girls is also the truth for me. (Duh!)  Although fitting in is a common desire, I can’t become so wrapped up in seeking other’s acceptance that I forget how crucial it is to spend my energy focusing on God’s truth. His truth declares that my security comes from Him and the worth He gives me rather than my physical features or others’ perceptions of me.

I also realized a key point that day: while our insecurities may never completely disappear, we can always manage our responses to them.

Which got me thinking…

When we feel insecure, do we:

-become defensive and lash out?
-disengage and close up?
-criticize or judge?
-obsess about the situation?
-fall apart in a puddle of tears?
-ignore the problem all together?

Or do we:

-assess the root of our insecurity?
-bring our hurts and disappointments to God?
-recognize God’s truth in our current situation?

When my insecurities are exposed like during my massage, I can feel my emotions rising and I’m tempted to respond in the ways described in the first list above.  But I am learning that before I react, I need to share my insecurities with God, asking Him to reveal the root of my insecurities and lead me to His truth. When done effectively, this process allows me to respond to my insecurities in a healthy manner rather than allowing my shame, hurt, or anger to control me.

In her new book, So Long, Insecurity, Beth Moore reiterates this truth: “When you and I are triggered to expose the most vulnerable, broken parts of ourselves through a rush of insecurity, we can train ourselves to immediately recite this truth to our souls: ‘It’s okay. I’m completely covered [by God].’ And oddly, that very thought all by itself begins the healing. We are not nearly as likely to react with the same level of insecurity when we remember how well covered we are by God” (155).

This approach has helped me tremendously when I encounter situations that expose my insecurities. A little while ago after my chemo treatments had ended, I met some friends for pedicures. Because I wore a scarf on my head, the nail technician leaned over to my friend and asked if I was well enough to receive a pedicure. I could sense the neon arrow again pointing in my direction. But before I reacted, I gave myself a little pep talk, reminding myself of the worth God has given me. I laughed off the comment, choosing to enjoy my time out with my friends. Ruminating on God’s truth and promises helps to re-center me, especially when my insecurities attempt to overtake me like rising flood waters.

Although this post only begins the discussion on insecurity, addressing and understanding our own insecurities it is an important first step. My prayer for each of our journeys is that we seek to become godly, healthy women who are life-giving to those around us. Whether our insecurities are exposed through mediocre massages or other situations, we can lean on the Lord for our ultimate security and confidence.

“Whom have I in heaven but You?
And I have no delight or desire on earth besides You.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the Rock and firm Strength of my heart and my Portion forever…
But it is good for me to draw near to God;
I have put my trust in the Lord God and made Him my refuge.”
Psalm 73: 25-26, 28

I thought I would share with you an email I sent out shortly after we received our good news. Please forgive me for not posting this until now. Shortly after our doctor’s appointment, Jared and I left for vacation to restore and rejuvenate at the beach. It was good for our souls! We are now back home and finding our groove again. Each day feels like such a gift and we are so grateful. Thank you for journeying with us!  A new insight post will be up again soon…

Dear sweet family and friends,

I wanted to take a moment to express to you how grateful we are for your all of your prayers and support over the last six months. Thank you for all of your encouragement; you have no idea how much it has meant to Jared and me, as well as our families.

Yesterday we had my follow-up doctor’s appointment with my oncologist to discuss the MRI and CT results. I admit that I woke up a bit nervous and so I began talking to the Lord about my fears and hopes. A verse popped in my mind as I was getting ready, and so before we left I found it in my Bible because I knew I needed to cling to truth as I entered the day. “He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear.” Psalm 112:7,8. I told that over and over to myself while we waited.

We were so elated when we finally got word that the MRI and CT came back CLEAN, with no evidence of cancer. To be honest, I am not sure it has quite sunk in yet. For the last 4 months, we have become so accustomed to weekly doctor’s appointments that to hear that we don’t have to go back for a check-up for 3 months is a gift!

Again, thank you for your prayers. I believe wholeheartedly that God heard our prayers, and I am so humbled to be at this point in the journey. I would appreciate your continued prayers for protection of my right ovary and that the cancer would never return. I also would appreciate your prayers for peace for my heart to not fear the what-ifs. This is an area that God is teaching me to trust Him.

“Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to YOUR name be the glory, because of Your love and faithfulness.” Psalm 115:1

Gratefully,

Michelle and Jared

I wrote this blog entry in my mind for a couple of weeks but it took me longer to type out the words.  The problem was that as we neared the end of this chemo marathon, weariness set in like a cloudy day. The reservoir of emotional and physical energy sunk quite low, and Jared and I were in desperate need for sleep. Thankfully, after a week of early bedtimes and no plans on the agenda, we are feeling a bit stronger.

With the weather so nice this week, I ventured outside for a walk. I decided the sun, fresh air, and a little exercise was just what my weary soul needed. I brought along my IPod, turned up my worship music, and stopped to smell the flowering trees as I strolled. I reflected on how faithful God has been to us through the last six months. Although this journey was more challenging than we even envisioned, God always provided what we needed.

My mind began drifting to the tangible ways God provided for us. It struck me that each was what I needed to help me endure a difficult day or a long week. And then I almost laughed to myself as I thought, Why am I surprised that God showed up during this overwhelming time? It’s who He is and what He does best.

Feeling inspired when I returned home, I pulled out my laptop and brainstormed the many ways I saw God provide for us over the last six months. I decided to share them with you because I am so grateful for the ways God used many of you to encourage me during my difficult journey.  I will never to forget the ways He carried us through this time.

~Immediately after the troubling biopsies, we were referred to a talented, renowned oncologist who has given us great confidence in her knowledge and skills.

~Several women who have survived ovarian cancer and chemotherapy have encouraged me profoundly with their stories and advice.

~Friends in my Bible Study organized weekly meals for us. We have been in awe by how generous our neighbors and friends have been by providing for us so tangibly. And wow, they are amazing cooks!!

~I received countless emails, calls, and cards from loved ones showing their support. Being the words person that I am, the encouragement and reminders of truth have been invaluable to me.

~We have been so touched by the packages that have arrived on our doorstep and the ways they have sought to put smiles on our faces.

~Friends from Chicago helped me embrace my hair loss by planning a fun evening to shave my head. Friends too far to visit sent me beautiful scarves and hats.

~I experienced minimal side effects from my chemo treatments and remained healthy throughout the ten weeks—a testament to me of the power of prayer!

~Many friends visited me in the hospital or took me to chemo treatments. I will never forget how selflessly they pushed their agendas aside to sit with me even if it may have felt uncomfortable for them.

~Both my mom and Jared’s mom dropped everything countless times to serve us—whether by doing our laundry, swiffering our floors, preparing food, or hanging out in the hospital with us. We truly can’t express how grateful we are that they were here at the time we needed them most.

~My twin brother shaved his head and my younger brother called often to assure me that they were walking this journey alongside of me from afar. I felt so loved by all of my family members scattered across the country.

~My husband has communicated more unconditional love to me than I ever knew existed. I have always been madly in love with him, but my love and respect for him has grown exponentially as I’ve watched him handle this tough road. While still working full-time, he balanced his work obligations with taking care of me with such grace. He never once made me feel like I was a burden even when exhaustion threatened to overwhelm him. I couldn’t have chosen a more amazing man to stand by my side during such a challenging time.

Although I’ve just scratched the surface, I am truly humbled by how God has provided for us through this season. But I’ll be honest—there certainly were days where the fog of weariness shaded our eyes from seeing God at work. Yet, through those times, Jared and I tried our best to remind each other that even if we couldn’t trace His hand on a certain day, we trusted that He was working behind the scenes and that His character was still the same.

Do you need that encouragement now? Do you need the reminder that God is working in your life? Whether life seems to be working out quite well or life is collapsing around you, I encourage you to intentionally recognize the big, small, and seemingly insignificant ways God is working. I’m learning that sometimes it is just a matter of changing our perspective to notice His hand in our lives.

As I was finishing this post, a song from Jared’s and my wedding kept playing through my mind. The song, written by Sara Groves, plays off of the old hymn “Great is Thy Faithfulness” and says, “All I have need of His hand will provide. He’s always been faithful to me.” I smiled as I remembered how faithfully God orchestrated every detail in bringing Jared into my life as my husband. God showed Himself faithful then, He continues to be faithful as we walk through our most difficult trial yet, and I am confident He will be faithful in my days to come, as well as yours.

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
For His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion;
Therefore I will wait for Him.’”
Lamentations 3:22-24

I adore the feeling when I wake up and see the sun peeking through my window. I love it even more when the sun spreads her warmth on the land, the snow melts away, and higher temperatures prevail. It’s no wonder my favorite season is spring when tiny, green, new life begins to poke its head up from the ground, and not too long after, colorful flowers bloom.

Even before I knew I would walk this cancer road, I’ve been thinking about the concept of seasons and specifically spring. Last January in the midst of a snowstorm, I drove from Chicago to Cincinnati to attend my future sister-in-law’s wedding shower. Driving through Chicago and Indianapolis was a breeze, however, when I approached Cincinnati the roads became ice rinks and my Mazda6 was sliding everywhere. I vividly remember clutching the steering wheel with white knuckles and driving 20 miles per hour through the hilly Cincinnati highways. Thankfully, I ultimately reached my destination but there were times I wondered if I’d ever make it.

A couple of months later, I recalled my harrowing driving experience as Jared and I drove that same route to my younger brother’s wedding. This time it was a much different scene: green grass on the sides of the hills, leaves beginning to develop on the trees, and sun lighting our way. I thought to myself, “Last time I was here, it felt like spring would never come, and now it’s in full swing.” Little did I know how much I would need that reminder in the days to come.

The last five months in the Warner household have felt quite winter-like. Not just because of our perpetually snow-covered deck, but because of this challenging cancer road. At times, this metaphorical blanket of snow (my health situation) feels like it will never melt. I imagine you can relate to similar disheartening feelings amidst your trying times. These winter seasons make us wonder if spring will ever come.

This past January after hearing of my impending chemo, I received an email from one of my good friends and former roommates. God has used her wisdom to encourage me, remind me of truth, and fill me with hope. She wrote:

“As I laid in bed tossing and turning over this news for you, begging God for some clarity on your behalf, I sat thinking of your time line and what’s ahead of you in the coming months. I couldn’t help but thinking at the end of these ten weeks will be spring. Spring to me is a time of rebirth, hope, anticipation, new life. Even better, it is the time of the resurrection of Jesus. What was such an incredible awful, painful, unbearable, emotionally and physically exhausting road for Jesus turned around in just a few days to be our reason for joy, dancing, new life, redemption, restoration, and a hope and a future with Jesus in heaven.  So, those thoughts became the focus of my prayer for you.”

The message and the timing of her words were perfect. I couldn’t articulate my appreciation for spring any better. I have treasured these reminders that God remains ever present in my situation even on those difficult days when hope feels a million miles away.

As I reflect on Easter weekend, I can’t help but think what a deplorable day it must have been for Jesus’ disciples as He was beaten, mocked, and ultimately crucified.  Their hopes must have been dashed as Jesus’ body was laid in the tomb—such a different ending than they had envisioned.

Luke 24 provides a glimpse of Jesus’ followers’ deflated spirits. In the passage Jesus approaches them (though they do not recognize Him), and asks them what they are discussing:

“They stood still, their faces downcast…‘Do you not know the things that have happened [in Jerusalem] these days?… About Jesus of Nazareth. He was a prophet, powerful in word and deed before God and all the people. The chief priests and our rulers handed Him over to be sentenced to death, and they crucified Him; but we had hoped that He was the One who was going to redeem Israel’” (Luke 24:17-21).

In the midst of my exhausting chemotherapy, I connect with the disciples’ word choice: “but we had hoped.” They had hoped that Jesus was the long-awaited Messiah, but due to His death, they struggled with despair. Though my circumstances are much different, at times I can empathize with their despondency.

Worn out from eight weeks of chemotherapy, I sometimes battle a loss of hope that this cancer road will ever be fully behind me. Though I am approaching the finish line now, there were moments I wondered how I would endure these ten weeks. All that I had hoped seemed like a distant cry from what I was experiencing.

I know I’m not alone. Even though your battle may look quite different than mine, most of us have had to fight a loss of hope at some point in our lives. Maybe for you it’s related to a strained relationship, a dream job, marriage, pregnancy, a medical issue, or some other disappointment.

However, I take great comfort in the fact that the hope of the two followers described above wasn’t left dangling. In accordance with His perfect plan, God restored hope for all of His followers when Jesus conquered the grave. Though there are days our circumstances may cause us to question God’s presence in our lives, I am learning that when our hope ultimately rests in God and His unchanging nature, we need not wonder if He will bring restoration. He already did through Jesus’ resurrection and the gift to His followers of eternal life in Heaven.

Because our Savior has risen, even when some seasons feel like never-ending harsh winters, we can trust that spring is coming. Listening to the birds chirping out my window, that has never felt more true.

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven…
He has made everything beautiful in its time” (Ecclesiastes 3:1,11).