I’ve dreamed of the day when I would have the opportunity to share this news. Jared and I are so very humbled by the way God has provided for us and we couldn’t be more elated to share our exciting news: I am almost 13 weeks pregnant! We have been bursting at the seams to divulge the news but knew it was best to keep it under wraps until I made it through the first trimester.

If you remember, several months ago, I mentioned I was studying the Bible Study, Believing God by Beth Moore. As I asked God what He wanted me to believe Him for, I felt very strongly that He wanted me to trust Him for a quick and uncomplicated pregnancy. It took about everything in me to trust God for this desire, particularly because we weren’t even sure I was able to get pregnant. When the first couple of months passed with no sign of pregnancy, I admit I questioned if I had misread God. But I also was well aware after walking through cancer that sometimes God asks us to trust even when He chooses to answer in a different way. I had experienced not long ago praying for a certain outcome only for God to answer totally opposite of what I had hoped, and so I wanted to stay grounded that just because I believed and asked in faith, He may choose not to answer the way I desired. And still, I am learning He wants me to come to Him and ask with sincere faith, trusting that He has my good in mind.

I must pause in my story for a moment. As I write this, I am keenly aware that as several sweet friends of mine read these words, pangs of disappointment may surface over the issue of childbearing. I remember all too well my own conflicted emotions when hearing the good news of another’s pregnancy. I pray my words don’t inflict further pain but instead give great hope of the amazing ways God works. I won’t forget how difficult the waiting process was for me and I write this blog post with extreme empathy for those who are still waiting.

Ok, I didn’t feel I could go any further until I acknowledged the deep pain that can surround this issue, much of what I have personally experienced. God continually reminded me through the last two+ years of waiting to conceive that He desired me to draw my strength from Him and to fall into His arms as I processed the difficult questions of life and faith. Without fail, He met me each time through my tears, even though there were moments I had to literally choose to believe He was working behind the scenes because I didn’t see His hand.

Which is exactly how I felt at the beginning of February. It feels silly to acknowledge that I was struggling to trust God with my pregnancy hopes only being a couple of months into the process. However, as I journaled and prayed, I realized that I felt panicked that I was already “behind” in starting our family as so many of my friends and family members had already welcomed one, two, and three children before we were even able to get pregnant. The realization occurred to me that once we were given the permission by my oncologist to begin our family, I (subconsciously) felt this hurry-up!-we’re-late! feeling and so with each passing day, I became worried that we were increasingly behind schedule.

It was so kind of the Lord to open my eyes to see the lies I was believing. As I acknowledged them, He reminded me that in His timetable and His plan, we were right on schedule. He knew that I would walk through cancer during the years my friends were having babies and He knew the deep desires of my heart. And He also knew the perfect time for Jared and me to conceive.

Hearing such truth from the Lord was exactly what I needed to calm my heart to wait and trust. That’s not to say I didn’t battle other lies about myself and God. One of them that surfaced and surprised even me when I wrote it on paper was though I intellectually believed God for a quick pregnancy, my heart didn’t believe He would do that for me. Wow, what misconceptions had snuck their way into my heart and clouded my view of seeing who God was and His love for me. How freeing it was for me to acknowledge those misbeliefs about God’s character and soak in truth from His Word of who He was and what He could do. On one particular day when I was crying out to God about my hopes and doubts, I read Habakkuk 3:17-19:

“Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.

The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
He enables me to go on the heights.”

As I read this passage, it was as if God was saying, Trust Me even though you see no sign of how I will provide for you and you have no idea how long it will take. With a surrendered heart, I resolved to trust and wait.

There isn’t enough time to share with you the ways God tenderly took care of me that following month. He opened my eyes to see how He was very much with me (not to mention how He had amazingly provided Jared’s new job during this time as well). As the month came to a close and an obvious feminine sign was absent, I hate to admit that I just thought the delay must be due to the stress of moving. Deep in my heart, I did hope that maybe I was pregnant, but I pushed the thought out of my mind because there were several variables that caused me to assume my body wasn’t ready to carry a baby yet. Jared kept urging me to take a pregnancy test and finally several days later, I succumbed. With trepidation I might add.

Much to my surprise, a pink “+” stared back at me when I took the test. Could it be I was actually pregnant?! I was so shocked that I was hardly able to formulate emotions and smiled as I realized I was responding like my dear friend and  ”jumping up and down on the inside.” My heart still was so tentative to believe I actually could be pregnant and I also knew many friends who had suffered miscarriages. I didn’t know what else to do in that moment but open my journal and talk to God about my thoughts. I asked Him to show me through Scripture what He wanted me to know and He directed me to Psalm 37, specifically vs. 3 in the Amplified Version:

“Trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident in the Lord) [and then I added: not in my health, pregnancy signs or anything else] and do good; so shall you dwell in the land and feed surely on His faithfulness, and truly you shall be fed.”

God’s message to me couldn’t have been clearer and has sustained me for the first three months as I’ve trusted God for my health as well as the baby’s. This first trimester has been such a sweet time with the Lord, much because we have chosen to not spread the news with many and so have instead had many opportunities to talk with God about the details. I have connected with the wording in Luke 2:19 when it says, “But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart” because I’ve been doing a lot of pondering recently. I’ve been reflecting over the last two and a half years of my life and catching glimpses of God’s faithful hand even in the most difficult days. I feel so incredibly humbled that God would choose to grow Jared’s and my faith by answering our prayers in such a meaningful way.

I couldn’t wait to share this exciting announcement with you because you have been such a support to me throughout this cancer journey. We are so elated to begin a new chapter in this journey and are holding tightly onto God’s hand as He leads us down this road. We would appreciate your prayers for protection for my body as well as the growth of Baby Warner. Oh, how I like writing that!

***

“O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness You have done marvelous things, things planned long ago.”

(Isaiah 25:1)

My sweet niece and nephew showing off their shirts that broke the news to their parents!

All Smiles!

See my shirt?

When I was down in Orlando speaking at the conference last weekend, I was able to see the girls from the Bible study I led when they were in high school (five years ago). It was fun to be able to tell them in person that I was pregnant after they have prayed long and hard for me.

As you know from my previous posts, I have really enjoyed my newfound interest: gardening. Not only do I save money, but I can feel confident that my produce has not been grown using pesticides. So rewarding!

This year my gardening experience is going to be a bit different. We can’t move into our new house until the beginning of June, which will be past the prime time to plant. Thankfully, I am living with my parents and my dad is interested and knowledgable about gardening so I am hoping we can start a few plants in pots and transfer to my new garden once we move in.

Since gardening has been on my mind, I was interested in this article, “Nine Spices With Super-Healing Powers” that popped up on the internet when I logged on this morning. Since it was written so well, it did not seem like a good use of my time to rewrite this information. Especially since I have already written a similar article. But I wanted to pass it along for two reasons. One, it is very useful information because cooking with spices is an easy way to add antioxidants to food. And two, since gardening season is around the corner, it would be smart to plant some herbs in our gardens to take advantage of the health benefits!

Nine Spices With Super-Healing Powers
by Megan Kempston

Have you checked your spice rack lately? Spices and herbs can do a lot more than add pizzazz to your cooking — they can also promote heart health, fight cancer, reduce inflammation and more. Here are nine super spices and herbs that are good for you and taste good, too.

Cinnamon

Cinnamon is a nutritional powerhouse, with antioxidant properties that keep cells safe from oxidative stress and dangerous free radicals. Antioxidants help fight such diseases as cancer, Alzheimer’s, diabetes, and Parkinson’s.

What’s more, cinnamon is a powerful weapon against cardiovascular problems. Cinnamon helps the hormone insulin work better, which reduces blood sugar levels. That’s great news for the one in ten North Americans with type 2 diabetes and the millions more with prediabetes. Keeping blood sugar low can help treat diabetes or even stop it before it starts.

Cinnamon may also help prevent Alzheimer’s. A study in 2011 found that an extract from cinnamon bark inhibited the formation of amyloid plaques in mice with Alzheimer’s. It even helped restore cognitive levels and correct movement problems in the animals.

How much: Cinnamon’s health benefits make it worth adding to your daily diet — and cinnamon’s sweet, warming flavor makes it easy. Aim for a quarter to half a teaspoon most days of the week.

Serving suggestions: Sprinkle a little on fresh fruit, a steaming bowl of oatmeal, or a scoop of peanut butter, or add to fish, chicken, or lamb dishes — especially with cumin and chili powder — for a Middle Eastern slant on your normal fare. No time to cook? Sprinkle some cinnamon on your morning coffee or tea for a nice antioxidant boost.

Tip: You know that stuff in your cinnamon jar? It’s probably cassia, not cinnamon. True cinnamon, often labeled “Ceylon cinnamon,” has higher levels of antioxidants, so seek it out if you can.

Sage

If you associate “sage” with wisdom, you’re not far off — the spice has been shown to help with memory and mood. A study in 2005 gave essential sage oil to healthy young volunteers and found that participants tended to remember things better and feel both more alert and calmer after taking sage.

Sage might also help those with Alzheimer’s or other dementias. Like prescribed Alzheimer’s drugs, sage inhibits an enzyme called acetylcholinesterase, which in turn may improve cognitive function.

In an open-label study, six weeks of treatment with sage resulted in improved attention and decreased neuropsychiatric symptoms in participants with Alzheimer’s. A separate study in 2006 found that rosmarinic acid, an active ingredient in sage, protected mouse cells from the amyloid peptides that are thought to contribute to Alzheimer’s.

Sage is also great for digestion, and it has estrogen-like effects, which might help curb hot flashes and other symptoms in women going through menopause.

How much: Beth Reardon, director of nutrition for Duke Integrative Medicine, part of the Duke University Health System, recommends using a quarter to half a teaspoon of sage a few times a week.

Serving suggestions: Sage’s earthy flavor epitomizes comfort food, like casseroles and stuffing. Try it sprinkled onto roasted sweet potatoes, snipped into butternut squash soup, or rubbed on a simple roast chicken. You can also make a simple sage tea — add boiling water to a teaspoon of chopped fresh sage and let steep for 5 to 10 minutes before straining and drinking.

Tip: Want to keep sage fresher longer? Snip off the ends of the long stems and put them in a glass of cool water, just as you would with flowers. Then cover the herbs — glass and all — with a clean, dry plastic bag and put them in the fridge. This method should keep herbs fresh for at least a week, and it works with parsley, cilantro, and other long-stemmed herbs as well.

Turmeric

“Turmeric’s health benefits are through the roof,” says Reardon. “If I could only have one spice for the rest of my life, it’d be turmeric.”

Turmeric has been used in Indian Ayurvedic medicine for millennia, and Western science is starting to catch on. Its active ingredient, curcumin, is a strong antioxidant that’s been shown in test tube and animal studies to fend off cancer growth, amyloid plaque development, and more.

Turmeric might also boost heart health — a 2012 study showed that adding turmeric and other high-antioxidant spices to high-fat meals could help regulate triglyceride and insulin levels and protect the cardiovascular system.

Turmeric is also a powerful COX-2 inhibitor — like a nonsteroidal anti-inflammitory but without the nasty side effects. A human study in 2009 found a daily dose of curcumin just as effective as ibuprofen for osteoarthritis in the knee.

Turmeric may also help regulate the immune system — a series of studies in 2010 and 2011 showed that curcumin might have positive effects on people with autoimmune disorders, such as multiple sclerosis.

Like all herbs and spices, however, too much turmeric might not be a good thing — it can inhibit blood clotting in large doses and may exacerbate gallbladder issues, so check with your doctor before using more than a typical culinary amount.

How much: Aim for a teaspoon of turmeric at least three times a week.

Serving suggestions: Turmeric is best known for the bright yellow color — and flavor — it adds to Indian dishes. Add a big pinch to a pot of lentil soup, or use with curry powder, raisins, and Greek yogurt to dress a curried chicken salad. Like sage, turmeric works well as tea. You can buy teas commercially from companies like the Republic of Tea or Yogi, or make your own by chopping up an inch of fresh turmeric root and infusing in hot water for 15 minutes.

Tip: The antioxidants in turmeric are a little fragile, so make an effort to find fresh turmeric root. It looks a little like fresh ginger but with a brighter orange interior.

Thyme

It’s hard to imagine continental cuisine without the aromatic addition of thyme. But its antimicrobial properties are what get researchers excited.

If you’ve used Listerine or a similar mouthwash — or even some green household cleaners — chances are it contained thymol, a volatile oil component of thyme. A 2004 study showed that thyme oil was able to decontaminate lettuce with Shigella, a particularly nasty type of food poisoning, and other studies suggest it’s also effective against staph and E. coli.

Thyme is also a good digestion aid, helping to reduce gas and other discomfort, says Duke’s Beth Reardon, and it’s good for the scalp and hair.

How much: Use a teaspoon of fresh thyme or quarter to half a teaspoon of dried thyme about three times a week.

Serving suggestions: Thyme is sort of the savory version of cinnamon — you can pretty much put it on anything. It’s great with chicken, fish, and root vegetables. It also goes well with lemon, including in summery cocktails.

Tip: Fresh thyme should keep about a week in your refrigerator’s vegetable drawer, especially if wrapped in a damp paper towel inside an open plastic bag.

Ginger

Ginger has been used in both ancient and modern medicine for its stomach-settling properties. In a series of human and animal studies, ginger has been shown to help quiet nausea, speed food through the digestive tract, and protect against gastric ulcers.

Small studies have also shown that ginger can help with pain, including menstrual cramps, muscle pain, and migraines. Ginger is also a powerful COX inhibitor, Reardon says, so it’s a great choice for anyone with osteoarthritis or other chronic inflammatory conditions.

It’s best to check with your doctor before ingesting large quantities of ginger, though, since it can cause heartburn and gas, worsening of gallstone issues — and it may interact with some medications, including warfarin.

How much: If your doctor approves it, it’s best to use ginger daily.

Serving suggestions: Ginger’s strong, bright taste is an essential component of most Asian and Indian cooking. Try a pinch of ginger in milky black tea, along with cinnamon and cardamom, for a heady chai-like beverage, or dice it and add to a zesty Thai soup. It’s also great in baked goods, from gingerbread to gingersnaps. Try adding chunks of candied ginger to pear or apple muffins for an extra zing.

Tip: Like turmeric, it’s best if you can use fresh ginger instead of powdered. If the big-name supermarket near you doesn’t stock fresh ginger, try an Asian market.

Rosemary

Rosemary has been associated with memory since ancient Greece, when students would wear it in their hair when studying for big exams. Modern science agrees: Carnosic acid, a component of rosemary, is thought to protect the brain from free-radical damage and therefore to lower the risks of stroke and Alzheimer’s.

Rosemary is also full of antioxidants; a recent study from the American Association of Cancer Research linked carnosol, another component of rosemary, with inhibiting cancer growth.

Like any herb, feel free to use rosemary in moderation. But check with your doctor before rushing out to buy rosemary supplements. In large quantities, it’s been linked to seizures and inefficient iron absorption. And avoid serving a rosemary-heavy dish to a pregnant woman, since it’s traditionally been used to induce abortion.

How much: “A little bit of rosemary goes a long way,” says Reardon. Aim for a teaspoon of rosemary a few times a week.

Serving suggestions: Rosemary is another spice that easily bridges the sweet-savory gap. Sprinkle some on roasting chicken or vegetables, or add some to summer fruit crisps and crumbles.

Tip: “When herbs and spices are used together, they actually have even more benefits,” says Reardon. Try using rosemary in combination with thyme and sage for increased health benefits and added flavor.

Saffron

Saffron is the most expensive spice in the world. Grown mostly in the Middle East, saffron threads are actually the stigmas of a particular kind of crocus, each of which needs to be carefully gathered by hand.

Still, its high price might be worth it for some of its health benefits. According to a 2007 animal study, saffron had antidepressant properties similar to Prozac. And a small human study in 2006 showed antidepressant effects higher than a placebo.

Another study showed that saffron increased blood flow to the brain, which might help increase cognitive performance, and a 2009 study in Italy showed that saffron had beneficial effects on the genes regulating vision cells, potentially slowing or reversing degenerative eye diseases.

How much: Saffron is pricy, but you don’t need much to make a big impact. “As little as a tenth of a teaspoon has been shown to have benefits,” says nutritionist Beth Reardon.

Serving suggestions: Crumble a few threads into water or stock for paella, risotto, or other rice dishes — including a subtly spiced Indian dessert called kheer.

Tip: The flavor and health benefits of most spices decline over time, and saffron is a particularly delicate spice. Make sure to keep your saffron bottle in a cool, dark place, and buy only the amount you think you can use in three to six months.

Basil

Basil, while often associated with Italian food, actually comes from India, where it’s traditionally used to treat asthma, stress, and diabetes.

Like thyme, basil has strong antimicrobial and antiviral properties, even against nasty bugs like Listeria and E. coli. Basil is a natural COX inhibitor, which means it’s especially great for anyone with arthritis or other inflammatory health problems. Basil is also a great source of beta-carotene, which turns into vitamin A, as well as magnesium, iron, and calcium.

How much: Aim for a tablespoon of fresh basil or quarter to half a teaspoon of dried basil three times a week.

Serving suggestion: Basil epitomizes summer foods, such as cold tomato or pasta salads. But don’t stop there. Add it to pizza, pasta, or anything with tomatoes any time of year.

Tip: Having trouble finding good basil when it’s not summer? Check your freezer section. Several companies freeze fresh basil in single-serving pop-out containers — and since its frozen while fresh, it retains most of its nutrients. You can also freeze herbs yourself when they’re in season — just lay them flat on a baking sheet and then transfer them to a plastic bag or Tupperware container when they’re frozen.

Chili Peppers

People have been cooking with chili peppers for a long time — almost 10,000 years, according to archaeologists. Since then, they’ve been used for everything from spicing up food to deterring would-be attackers. Japanese karate athletes eat chili to strengthen their willpower, and African farmers use it to keep elephants away from their crops.

Luckily, you don’t need elephant-size quantities to get the health benefits of these potent peppers. Studies have shown that capsaicin, the active ingredient in peppers, works as a great topical pain reliever for headaches, arthritis, and other chronic pain problems. Capsaicin inhibits the release of P-protein, which in turn interrupts the transmission of constant pain signals to the brain.

If you don’t feel like smearing it on yourself, oral capsaicin has been linked to the release of endorphins and the regulation of blood sugar. And scientists have demonstrated anticancer properties in test tube studies.

How much: Don’t like spicy foods? Don’t worry — as little as an eighth of a teaspoon can have positive health benefits.

Serving suggestions: There’s a whole world of chili peppers out there, from the mild poblano to the fiery habanero. It’s worth experimenting to find your favorite. Chipotle and ancho chili powders have been popular in recent years for their smoky zing, and they work particularly well in salsas, soups, chicken dishes — and even in caramel or chocolate desserts.

Tip: If you overdo the chili pepper, don’t reach for a glass of water — pour a glass of milk instead. Capsaicin isn’t water-soluble, but the caseins in milk block chili pepper heat effectively.

I look forward to hearing what creative ways you have found to add such super-healing spices to your food!

If you’ve read my blog for some time, you have probably picked up on a theme that Jared and I are learning in our lives: waiting on and trusting in God. I have mentioned our desire to expand our family and what God has been teaching us through that process. (Thanks for the encouragement and prayers; please continue!) What I haven’t mentioned specifically is our prayers for our future, namely a  new job for Jared and possibly a new location. We have been praying for several years for God to make it clear as to where He wanted us to raise our family and where Jared could most effectively use his gifts. We continually received the same answer from God: wait and trust. As we prayed about it, we felt God wanted us to stay planted here in Chicago until He opened a door otherwise. We have learned from the past that though we could pry open a door to walk through, we only wanted to pursue opportunities that were clearly provided by God and not ourselves.

All of that to say, God has opened a new door for Jared professionally in Cincinnati…and quite quickly! We feel confident that this is the opportunity we’ve been waiting and praying for because the details are falling into place like only God could orchestrate.

Because this move has happened so quickly, I thought I would share the story here so you can join us in noticing how God has so graciously provided this next step for us.

When we originally starting talking about where we saw ourselves in 5-10 years, the two answers that quickly came to our minds were nearer to family and further South. (If you’ve lived through a Chicago winter, you’d understand!) Jared casually met with a headhunter in Nashville when we visited my twin brother’s family this summer to explore the options and to get a feel about what the market was outside of Chicago. Although he had an interview with a company in Nashville that next month, no doors sprung open. So we kept waiting. He then heard of a position in Louisville and had two promising interviews. We began wondering if Louisville was where we were going to land and began weighing the options. However, that door shut as well. With that opportunity closed, we decided we needed to “retrench” in Chicago. Meaning, we needed to stop wondering if another job was going to come available and fully invest in our community in Chicago for as long as God had us here.

As a side note, I have to say that I truly grew in deep respect for Jared as I watched him work through these closed doors. Though he was disappointed, I admired how he sought God and felt led to give 100% to his job until God moved him elsewhere. His commitment to trust God when the pieces weren’t falling into place or making sense inspired me.

After the holidays, Jared’s headhunter from Nashville told him about a job opportunity in Cincinnati and asked if he would be interested. What she didn’t know was that I attended high school in Cincinnati and my parents still lived there. Because God had taken us on quite a process of surrendering, trusting, and waiting, Jared said he’d be interested but held the opportunity loosely. The job description sounded like a perfect match, but we were committed to allowing God to open the door. After two months of interviews and waiting, they offered the job to Jared two weeks ago. We were stunned, elated, and a little overwhelmed when we heard that the company wanted Jared to start three weeks later.

For me personally, this is a bittersweet move. Of course, I am thrilled to be moving closer to family (my parents live in Cincinnati, Jared’s parents live 2.5 hours away, and our siblings live closer as well) and I am excited for Jared to work a job where he can use and further develop his gifts. However, I am sad to leave the community that we have built for the past four years. Though it was a difficult transition for me to move to Chicago, God has been so gracious to provide me with a supportive group of friends who have walked us through a very challenging time in our lives. Additionally, I have so loved meeting weekly with my Thursday morning Bible study and learning and growing with such amazing ladies. Jared and I began our married life here and have “grown up” in marriage with dear friends, all of whom we will miss.

As I’ve processed this transition, God has repeatedly given me the same message: “I am bringing you into a new season.” We are excited to walk through these opened doors and see what God has for us next. There are still many details to determine (renters for our home here, a home to live in Cincinnati, new doctors…), but we are confident that God will guide us through each decision just as He has so graciously opened the door regarding Jared’s new job.

As the the signs of a new season emerge like flowers bursting from the ground, we are excited to begin our new season in Cincinnati. I look forward to writing about the new lessons God teaches us through this shift in seasons. We so appreciate all of your support and encouragement.

“Not to us, LORD, not to us
but to Your name be the glory,
because of Your love and faithfulness.”
Psalm 115:1

On Wednesday!

Do you ever realize you’re in a funk but can’t quite put your finger on the reason? That’s been me this week. The past few days I’ve been asking the Holy Spirit to bring to the surface the root of what has been weighing on my mind. As I’ve been sorting out my thoughts, I’ve been paying close attention to listening for God’s voice to speak to my heart.

Yesterday, a memory of a special moment I shared with the Lord at the beach a month ago came to mind. It was as if God was reminding me that what He revealed to me a month ago still remains real today. I smiled as the memory took me back…

The sun was beginning to hang low in the sky, a sign that sunset was approaching. I decided to take a walk on the beach, soak in the beautiful scenery, and clear my mind. Though I was thrilled to be on vacation and out of my normal routine, my heart was still fighting some discouragement. I knew from experience the best medicine for my troubled heart was some quiet moments with God beside the ocean.

As I walked along the beach, the water lapped at my feet and the shells collided against each other as they landed on the shore. I poured out my heart to God about my hopes, dreams, and fears about our future, namely my desire to have a baby. I breathed in the salty air and exhaled some of my worries; the beach has a way of accomplishing that for me.

I turned around to look back at the sun and noticed it was about to hide below the water’s edge. Not wanting to miss the majesty of the moment, I plopped down on the sand. The orange and pink glow of the sun reflected on the water and I soaked in the stillness around me. Just then I noticed at least twenty tiny seagulls playing in the water five yards from where I sat. They flitted in and out of the water, pecking at each other and making soft chirping noises. I stared at the birds that appeared to be having the time of their lives without a care in the world. It seemed like such a stark contrast to how I had felt minutes ago with the weight of my concerns heavy on my shoulders.

I breathed in deeply and asked God to speak to my heart. Hardly a moment passed before the Lord brought one of my favorite verses to mind:

“Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” (Matthew 6:26)

Tears formed in my eyes as I realized God had just spoken directly to my heart. Then I felt Him say to me, “I am in the details.” I nodded my head as if to say, “I hear you, Lord.” I needed that reassurance that He heard me too and that He was fully involved in my life.

I sat in the sand as I watched the golden sun descend into the water leaving a beautiful reflection on the sea. The birds still fluttered about, leaving me a tangible reminder of how personally God cares for me. Every single detail.

This week I found myself fighting some anxiety about our future as well and decided to look up the verse again. I soaked in the words of the passage as if it was the first time I had heard them. After processing some fears and worries, this is the kind of truth I need to read:

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” (Matthew 6:25-34).

So if you are fighting off a funk right now, feeling the weight of the world burdening your shoulders, or just needing to hear some solid truth from Scripture, be encouraged that God is in the details of your situation. And if He takes care of the birds of the air, He most certainly will take care of you. And me.

“Cast ALL your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7

I am sitting in my new chaise lounge chair in our bedroom with the sun warming my legs. Ah, it’s almost like I was still in the Bahamas–except that I am overlooking bare trees on a snow-covered ground instead of the sparkling ocean. But I am learning to be grateful. Oh, so grateful. Grateful for what I have instead of what I don’t. Grateful for time time Jared and I had to get away. For the uninterrupted time together to talk and connect. For the gorgeous scenery and calming ocean waves. For time time to pause and reflect on life. What a gift it is to take the time to think about life and what God is specifically doing in mine –whether it be on a beach chair in the Bahamas or a chaise lounge chair in Illinois.

I recently have been enjoying Ann Voskamp’s thoughts on her blog and book, One Thousand Gifts. God opened my eyes to her material at a season of my life where I am learning much about the choice of gratefulness. I love when God intersects my life with truth when I need it most. I ran across Ann’s challenge of pausing and capturing gifts of life and thought I would write out my responses. (For those of you interested, she is inviting her readers to count 1000 gifts in 2012 by writing down three things a day. I came to this challenge late but plan to print off her February Joy Dare and keep it by my journal to record my daily gratitude. I would love for you to join me!)

JANUARY JOY DARE: Capture these gifts

Each New Year, I like to take some time to reflect on the past year. I am learning how important it is to pause, reflect, and listen to the Holy Spirit’s prompting in my life, and taking time to reflect around the New Year seems like an built-in opportunity to do so.

We had a very full–but wonderful–time with both Jared’s and my family the past couple of weeks. We visited Jared’s parents for Christmas and then came home for several days while I had a mole removed and my MRI for my cancer check-up. Then we left after my MRI to visit my family and grandparents for the weekend. We so enjoyed celebrating with both of our families, and wrapped up the holiday feeling very grateful for all God has given us.

However, with so much activity, I did not have an opportunity to still my heart and reflect on 2011. So last night as we drove back to Chicago, Jared and I asked each other the following reflection questions about 2011. It was so nice to pause, reflect, and learn from 2011 as we embrace 2012.

Reflection Questions of 2011

(The twenty questions were originally posted on the Simple Mom blog, though I found them on my friend Katie’s blog. Jared and I chose to ask each other just the ones below.)

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?

5. What were the best books you read this year?

6. With whom were your most valuable relationships?

7. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?

8. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?

9. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?

10. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?

11. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?

12. What was the best way you used your time this past year?

13. What was biggest thing you learned this past year?

And then a question we added:

14. With those answers in mind, what shifts are we going to make, with God’s help, in our lives in 2012?

I plan to spend some time journaling these thoughts in more detail this week because I want to make sure I give adequate time to reflecting on the past year to bookmark the lessons God taught me. I encourage you to do the same.

Here’s to a year ahead where we grow deeper in intimacy in our relationships with God, no matter what may come.

***

I wanted to thank you so much for your prayers for my MRI last Thursday. I brought the CD that I referenced in my previous blog entry and I had the most peaceful experience I’ve had yet when it comes to laying inside a skinny tube without moving for over an hour! I definitely credit that to God acting upon your prayers. I received an email from the nurse practitioner the following day telling me that the MRI results looked good. I don’t think those words will ever get old! What a relief to my heart to hear all looked clear. I have an appointment to meet with my oncologist on Thursday to discuss the details and will look forward to moving forward in 2012. Thank you again for journeying with me.

Have you noticed that oftentimes you have a default response when you’re in a certain situation? It occurred to me this weekend that I do. And it’s not healthy.

As I was lying in bed a few nights ago, I stared at the ceiling, tossing and turning and hoping to fall back asleep. But try as I might, my mind would not stop racing. I prayed for God to help me discern the reason for my restlessness.

I didn’t have to look too far for the culprit; my next cancer check-up is at the end of December, just ten days away. This past week I had to make several phone calls to confirm the routine MRI and I could feel the all-too-familiar set of butterflies making their descent upon my stomach. The fears slowly inched their way back into my mind, setting up camp. What if they find a suspicious spot on the scan? What if…? What if…? What if…?

As I thought about my check-up, I realized that I have a destructive default response (in my flesh) when it comes to preparing for my upcoming check-ups: I obsess. I turn into a hypochondriac and I start “seeing ghosts,” as they say. If my hip hurts, I start fearing that I have cancer in my bones. If I have a headache, I assume I have an aneurysm that will burst any second. It’s as if I am subconsciously hunting for maladies. And let me just tell you, it produces something well short of a peaceful mind and joyful spirit.

I’ve thought about my default response enough to realize that part of the reason I do this goes back to that sneaky little word: control. You see, when I found out my tumor was cancerous, it wasn’t the most conventional way. Recall I was initially told by a nurse that the cancer was contained in my tumor that was removed. However, ten days later, my oncologist called to say there was a mistake and I would need to go through chemo. So I think in some odd way, my mind thinks that if I can figure out if I have an ailment ahead of time, then I can control it and not be shocked by the news.

Prior to my fearful thoughts descending upon me this past week, I had been really encouraged over the last few months that I haven’t had as many obsessive fears about my ailments. God has been teaching me a lot about trusting Him for my future and relaxing in my every day life. In the midst of such growth, I was disappointed to see my default response rear its ugly head. Oh, it’s you again.

Thankfully, Jared and I have been having some deep discussions as of late about various growth areas in our lives. We have particularly enjoyed listening to James MacDonald’s sermon series on how to change entitled “Lord, Change Me.” One insight he shared has been reverberating in my mind. He said that an evidence of growth in your life is not that you never slip up again but that when you do, your time in the pit isn’t as extensive or as lengthy. That thought has encouraged me that though I slipped back into my default response with respect to my upcoming MRI, I caught myself much earlier than I have before.

Maybe you can relate. Your default response probably is different than mine, but most likely you have been in a situation where you’ve thought to yourself, Why do I keep responding this way every time?

So what do we do when we realize that we are in default response mode? After reflecting and praying, below are seven action steps that came to mind.

1. Ask God for discernment about what triggers our default response. For instance, for me, I am realizing that every check-up brings to the surface all of my fears. I am learning to anticipate this flood of emotions instead of being knocked off my feet.

2. Reflect on what our default response says about our view of God. I’ve mentioned before that one of my favorite books on prayer is called The Papa Prayer by Larry Crabb. In the book he gives an acronym for prayer and the first “A” stands for “Attend to how you’re thinking about God.” Each night before I am falling asleep, I try to pray through this acronym. I admit I get a bit stuck when I get to this “A” because it requires me to pause and truly reflect on how I am viewing God in my current situation. This prayer book as well as Beth Moore’s Believing God study that I am currently doing is helping me learn to trust God for who He really is (powerful, omnipotent, unchanging…) instead of who I misperceive Him to be (uninterested, passive, domineering…).

3. Ask God for discernment about why we respond the way we do. I have been asking God to help me get to the root of my default response because if I just try to modify my behavior and never deal with the cause, this default response will persist. If I am honest with myself, I realize that the reason I respond the way I do is because I am fearful that the cancer will return. And if the cancer returns, I most likely will not be able to have my own biological children. These are very real fears and when I look at the root instead of the surface of my default response, I can invite God into those fears and work through the emotion.

4. Invite God into our fears. When we realize why we respond the way we do, I am learning how crucial it is to ask God to meet me in these fears. For me, the way this usually looks is I pour out my heart to God about my fear. For example, I probably imagined I had six different ailments this week. As each one came, my heart skipped a beat and I thought, Oh no, maybe this ache is really the worst case scenario I dread. On a good day when I am staying connected to God, I can examine that silly fear and ask God for strength to fight off the urge to take that fear for a spin down a very slippery slope. On a bad day when I am feeling bombarded by flaming arrows covered in fears, sometimes the only thing I can do is say, “Jesus, please help me. I invite you into this discouragement and need help finding truth.” Some days I just say that over and over again.

5. Replace our destructive thoughts with God’s truth. Yesterday during an anxious moment, I actually told myself, “Obsessing over this ailment isn’t going to help anything and it’s just making you crazier.” And then instead I quoted one of my favorite verses to myself: “He will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because He trusts in You” (Isaiah 26:3). As I’ve written before, Beth Moore has taught me that we must do more than just refuse to think that toxic thought anymore; we must replace that thought with truth. I am trying to catch my fearful thoughts before they burrow in and instead replace them with an encouraging song or Scripture verse.

6. Give God the control over our situation. I know, it’s so much easier said than done. As I mentioned above, when I am able to find the root cause of my default response, I then am able to see what the real issue is. And from there, I must analyze who I want to be in control of the situation. Do I want to stay in control? If so, that means every time an ache arises, I will do the same default response dance and try to control my fears. How exhausting. Instead, I want God to take control of the situation. I am learning to surrender my will to His and trust Him to take care of my hopes and dreams in His way. When I focus on Him in all of His glory, I am able to take a step back from my fearful situation and realize that no matter the outcome, God is fully in control. And that brings a deep calm to my soul.

7. Ask the Holy Spirit to equip us to respond well next time. As I explained above, my default response when left to myself is to obsess. But when I ask the Holy Spirit to flood my mind and heart with His Spirit, He can help me respond in a more God-honoring way. And He can equip you too.

As I was formulating these thoughts in my mind for this blog post, Jared and I listened to James MacDonald’s Christmas sermon this weekend. (Which, by the way, was by far one of the best Christmas sermons I have ever heard. I encourage you to listen to it while wrapping presents this week!) He preached from Luke 1, the passage where Mary discovers she is pregnant. He centered in on her response, and thank goodness for us, it was not a destructive default response. But it was a Spirit-filled, eyes-on-the-Lord response.

I love Mary’s words in verse 46, “My soul magnifies the Lord.” James gave the example that a magnifying glass makes things larger, nearer, and more powerful and that was her response to her circumstance—viewing God for who He is: large, near, and powerful.  James encouraged us to “Let God become larger and our problems smaller by magnifying the Lord. God is most magnified in us when we do what would be impossible to do without Him.”

I thought focusing on Mary’s response was the perfect way to wrap up my blog post about our own default responses. James pointed out that Mary must have felt confusion and fear but as she worked through her emotions, she camped out who God was and chose to magnify Him in her situation. This Christmas as we reflect on Mary’s response, may we learn from her example as well.

***

As I was writing this, I couldn’t get Chris Tomlin’s song, “My Soul Magnifies the Lord,” from his Christmas CD out of my head. Here are the lyrics:

My Soul Magnifies the Lord

Good news of great joy
For every woman, every man
This will be a sign to you
A baby born in Bethlehem

Come and worship
Do not be afraid

A company of angels
Glory in the highest
And on the earth peace among
Those of whom His favor rests

Oh, come and worship
Do not be afraid, no, no

My soul, my soul magnifies the Lord
My soul magnifies the Lord
He has done great things for me
Great things for me

Unto you a child is born
Unto us a Son is given
Let every heart prepare His throne
And every nation under Heaven

Come and worship
Do not be afraid, no, no

My soul, my soul magnifies the Lord
My soul magnifies the Lord
He has done great things for me
Great things for me

My soul, my soul magnifies the Lord
My soul magnifies the Lord
He has done great things for me
Great things for me

Of His government there will be no end
He’ll establish it with His righteousness
And He shall reign on David’s throne
And His name shall be from this day on

Wonderful, Counselor, Everlasting Father
Wonderful, Counselor
His name shall be Everlasting Father

My soul, my soul magnifies the Lord
My soul, my soul magnifies the Lord

He has done great things for us
He has done great things for us
He has done great things for us
He has done great things for us

I am always looking for healthy, holiday appetizers and dishes to serve when I have company over. I thought I would share a few of my favorites this season. I would love to hear what your favorite healthy holiday treats are. Please share!

Stuffed Mushrooms (recipe adapted from Whole Foods)

Ingredients:

2 tablespoons Extra Virgin Olive Oil, divided
2 (8-oz) packages button or baby bella mushrooms, stems removed and finely chopped, caps left intact
1 small yellow onion, chopped
Salt and ground black pepper to taste
1 (1-pound) pkg frozen spinach, thawed and squeezed of excess water  (I used fresh spinach instead.)
6 ounces Feta cheese, crumbled (I used goat cheese because I like it better!)

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350°F. Heat 1 tablespoon of oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add mushroom stems, onions, salt and pepper and cook, stirring occasionally, until softened, 8 to 10 minutes. Transfer to a large bowl along with spinach, toss well; set aside to cool.

Arrange mushroom caps in a single layer on a parchment paper-lined baking sheet. Add cheese, salt and pepper to spinach mixture then divide filling evenly between mushrooms, mounding it in the center of each. Drizzle mushrooms with remaining 1 tablespoon oil and bake until softened and juicy, about 20 minutes.

*Tip: I read somewhere that before baking, poke a little hole in the mushroom to drain excess liquid. I wish I would have done this because when you bite into the mushroom, it does exude juices!

Pomegranate Cucumbers (recipe adapted from a recipe found on Pinterest)

Ingredients:

1 large cucumber
1 carton of pomegranate seeds (I bought mine at Costco.)
6 ounces of goat cheese
fresh herbs (I used basil and parsley), diced

Directions:

Cut cucumbers into slices. Fold herbs into the cheese until well mixed. Place a dollop of the cheese and herbs mixture on each cucumber. Add a small basil leaf on top of each cucumber. Add around four pomegranate seeds per cucumber. Serve and enjoy!

Quinoa Stuffed Acorn Squash (adapted from Rachael Ray)
This is one of my favorite recipes. I even made it for my family at Thanksgiving.

Ingredients:

2 acorn squash (I actually use butternut squash and at Thanksgiving I used the pre-cut butternut squash from Costco that made it very easy and still yummy!)
Salt and pepper
1/2 cup quinoa
1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil
1 onion, finely chopped
3/4 pound organic ground beef (You can use chicken too.)
1/2 cup chopped walnuts, toasted
1/4 cup dried cranberries

Directions:

Preheat the oven to 400°. Cut the squash in half crosswise and scoop out the pulp and seeds. Trim the ends so each half will stand upright. Place both halves in a baking pan, flesh side up, and pour hot water into the pan to reach about halfway up the squash. (Rachael Ray suggests adding 1/2 tablespoon butter to the center of each squash but I never do.) Season with salt and pepper. Loosely cover the pan with foil. Bake the squash until tender when pierced with a fork, 45 minutes to 1 hour.

Prepare the quinoa according to the package directions and set aside. Heat the olive oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add the onion and cook, stirring, until softened, about 4 minutes. Push the onion aside, add the meat, season with salt and pepper and cook through, about 5 minutes. Stir in the walnuts, cranberries and quinoa; season with salt and pepper.

Remove the squash from the oven and, using a spatula, carefully transfer each half to a plate. Pour out any excess liquid from the centers. Divide the quinoa mixture among the squash.

Mediterranean Stuffed Squash (adapted from Alton Brown)
(We went to dinner at our dear friends’ Kelly and Eman’s this weekend and they made this delicious meal. It was funny because one of Jared’s any my favorite dishes is the Quinoa Stuffed Squash above; this rivaled that recipe so we are excited to add another one to our repertoire.)

4 small acorn squash, 1 to 1 1/4 pounds each
1/2 pound organic chicken
1 tablespoon olive oil
1/3 cup chopped onion
2 garlic cloves
1/3 cup chopped mushrooms
1/3 cup chopped zuchinni
1/3 cup squash
1 teaspoon Whole Foods Mediterranean seasoning
1/2 cup white wine
1/2 cup toasted pine nuts
1 1/2 teaspoons dried oregano
Generous pinch kosher salt
Freshly ground black pepper

Directions:

When Jared broke up with me in February of my senior year in college, I was stunned. Stunned because I didn’t see it coming. Stunned because my heart had fallen head over heels for him. Stunned because I had already pictured a magical future together. But mostly stunned because I had felt very firmly in my heart that Jared was the man I was to marry. I remember when I called my mom after one of our dates and told her, “Mom, I think he’s the one.” She could hear the excitement in my voice as I gushed about the details.

And then our relationship was over.

As the news finally sunk in that Jared was moving to the big city of Chicago unattached, footless, and fancy, I spent the rest of my senior year picking up the pieces and sorting out my disappointment with God.

My prayers went a lot like this: God, I trust you. I know You know what’s best. But I’m so confused. It seemed like everything was pointing to Jared being the one for me. How could it end this way?

During that broken-hearted season, I learned a lot about being honest with God. Each time I vulnerably opened up to Him, He met me in my raw moments. My mom encouraged me to look at these encouraging times as “God-cidences”—times that could be classified as coincidences but instead viewing them through the lens of God showing up in small and big ways in my life. As I opened my eyes to these experiences, I noticed days when the sun sparkled in the sky, timely conversations with my college roommates, freshly baked cookies from the dining hall and on and on. It was as if God was breathing love into the little events of life to remind me that He was right there with me and would provide for my every need. Slowly, as the days turned into months, my heart began to heal. But it was not without much soul-searching and praying.

You know the rest of the story. (Or if you don’t, it’s written in the My Story section of this blog!) God brought Jared back into my life and we now have been married for almost four years. But there was a FIVE (!!) year gap between when we first dated to when we went out for our “second” first date.

I have often reflected on God’s hand in Jared’s and my relationship. From the first day we met, I felt a tug in my heart toward Jared and had a strange confidence that he was the one for me. But it took five years before I would see my dream become a reality. If you would have told me two years after we broke up that in three more years Jared would come waltzing back into my life and marry me, I think I would have laughed and responded, “Not a chance.” But God had His hand on our relationship from the first day we met. He didn’t fall asleep during the five-year-hiatus, but was in the process of weaving our lives back together in His perfect timing. How I love that God works behind the scenes in our lives.

I think I wrote Jared’s and my story with the sole purpose of encouraging my soul today. Sometimes when faced with a disappointment, the best thing for me to do is recall how God has faithfully worked for my good in the past to remind me He will continue to faithfully work for my good in the future as well.

I’ve had a bit of discouraging week where some plans I thought were working out dissolved into thin air. I’ve spent the last few days being real with my emotions, a necessary step in the process of working through disappointments, I believe. After brushing myself off from my little face plant, I’ve thought back to the broken-hearted-episode ten years ago and what God has taught me since. I’ve been reminding myself this week that though I can’t see His hand and though I don’t understand what He’s up to, God is still working in my life, just like He was doing behind the scenes in my relationship with Jared many years ago. I am clinging onto four major truths of my faith as I wait and trust.

• God loves me.

Truly. Deeply. Even when it doesn’t feel like it. David Crowder’s song “How He Loves Us” began replaying in my head this weekend as I processed the week’s discouraging events. There is something powerful about hearing, “He loves us, oh how He loves us” over and over. As I was thinking about the lyrics, I felt transported back to another time when the song reminded me of truth.

Two years ago I drove down to the hospital for a follow-up appointment after my initial surgery when they removed my ovary. My heart was filled with fear as I waited to find out if the mass on my ovary was cancerous. I cried out to God to comfort my shaking heart, and soon after “How He Loves Us” came on the radio. I sang at the top of my lungs declaring the truth that God loved me no matter the outcome of my pathology reports. Since then, this song has become very personal to me because God has reminded me over and over that even when life doesn’t pan out like I hope, God deeply loves me. Not just on the good days when all feels right with the world. But on the hardest days when I don’t exactly feel much love from God.

• “Your love, Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies.” Psalm 36:5
• “But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.” Psalm 86:15
• “Put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with Him is full redemption.” Psalm 130:7
• “The LORD disciplines those He loves, as a father the son he delights in.” Proverbs 3:12
• “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38, 39

• God is good.

I remember the first time I learned this lesson by heart was after Jared broke up with me. It was my first major time to wrestle with the age-old question, “If God is a good God, why would He allow this to happen?” In the last few years, He has continually reminded me of His good character, especially after my cancer diagnosis. I learned that even when life hurts and confuses me, God was still good and still had good in mind for me. Though I would never have chosen to walk through cancer, God has brought much good from my trial: restored relationships, a renewed purpose, a healthier lifestyle, and so much more. When I focus my attention on God’s good character when life feels out of control, I experience an unquenchable peace that no circumstance can steal. I have been reminding myself this week that being good is part of who God is and though my circumstances may not feel good, God is working them for my benefit in the way only He can. Sometimes it just takes a little time before we can see what He’s up to.

• “Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.” Psalm 136:1
• “Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see—how good God is. Blessed are you who run to Him.” Psalm 34:8, New Living Translation
• “For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless.”
• “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him who have been called according to His purpose…what then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but have Him up for us all—how will He not, along with Him, graciously give us all things?” Romans 8:28, 31, 32
• “Joseph said to [his brothers], ‘You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.’” Genesis 50:20

• God is fully in control.

When life doesn’t make much sense, it’s encouraging to me to know that God hasn’t fallen asleep on the job but is totally aware and sovereign in all of His ways. I am studying Beth Moore’s Believing God right now and one of the points she makes is that we must believe God is who He says He is and can do what He says He can do. I am learning that truly believing God is who He says He is requires me to surrender myself to Him and allow Him to take the captain seat and do what He does best.

• “I lift my eyes up to the hills—where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip—he who watches over you will not slumber.” Psalm 121:1-3
• “Sovereign Lord, my strong deliverer, you shield my head in the day of battle.” Psalm 140:7
• “Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you.” Jeremiah 32:17

• I must trust God.

As I reflect on the three truths highlighted above, I can’t help but realize what my response must be as a result: place my trust in the Lord. After working through the disappointing events of the week, Jared read an inspiring verse to me that has always been one of my favorites:

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” Jeremiah 17:7-8

I may not understand what God is doing, but my job is to trust Him and keep my confidence in Him as opposed to my circumstances. I wrote this verse down on a post-it note in our kitchen and have been thinking about it all weekend. My prayer is that I keep my confidence firmly focused on God instead of my feelings or my circumstances. And I pray that for you too!

• “Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord Himself, is the Rock eternal.” Isaiah 26:4

I am choosing to trust God is working behind the scenes in my life and am resting in these truths until the picture becomes clearer. Thankfully, God has proven to show up in the past. Even if it’s taken five years.

Ever since I was a young girl, I have looked forward to being a mom. I carried my baby dolls around the house and when I was old enough I carried real babies around while babysitting for many special families. When people asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I often would respond, “a mom.”

Though God had very fulfilling opportunities for me after college, my heart still ached to not experience marriage and babies at the same time as many of my friends. I do, however, see that God had my best in mind during that season because I grew in confidence, self-awareness, and trust in Him while I waited. Thankfully, in God’s perfect timing, He brought Jared back into my life and it truly was a dream come true when we married.

We decided to wait to expand our family for a little while so that we could establish a strong marriage foundation. Before we could even begin discussing our future family plans, we found out the unfortunate news of my cancer diagnosis.

Though being diagnosed with cancer at 29 was terrifying, what probably affected me the most was the realization that I may never bear my own biological children. When my oncologist informed us that there was a 10% chance that my remaining ovary could be too damaged from the chemo to have children, I was devastated. (Even though the odds leaned in our favor, I was so sad that there was a possibility I may never be able to have children.) Seeing my emotion, my oncologist gave us the option of going through fertility treatments to increase our chances of having our own children.

Jared and I started the process of fertility treatments but we ultimately had to stop them due to a harmless, stubborn cyst on my remaining ovary. Although I was extremely disappointed, I felt a peace that God had orchestrated closing that door. Jared and I felt God ask us through this turn of events to trust Him completely with our desires for a family and to leave the percentages to Him.

Throughout the entire chemo regimen, I prayed that God would protect my remaining ovary. Actually, truth be told, I made up new words to a childhood song and sang, “He’s got my right ovary in His hands…He’s got the whole world in His hands” to remind myself that He was not only the Creator of all the earth but also the Sustainer of my tiny ovary.

A couple of months after I finished chemo, I visited an integrative doctor who checked all of my hormone levels to see how well my remaining ovary was functioning. She matter-of-factly told me that the numbers indicated that my body may be headed into premature menopause. I will never forget sitting in my car after the appointment crying out to God with tears running down my face. I reminded Him again how much I desired to be a mom and have my own biological children. I remember hearing several songs back to back on the radio in those few moments that spoke truth to me about God’s strength and power. Through my tears, I told God that I believed He could do anything and I asked Him to put His hand on my body and restore my hormone function.

A couple of months later, after receiving acupuncture, taking herbs, eating healthy, and trying to reduce my stress, I was relieved to hear my hormones were back in normal range and my body was functioning like it should for a woman my age. My faith was indeed strengthened as I realized God had graciously worked on my behalf.

At my year check-up with my oncologist, she was pleased to hear that my ovary was in working order. Now that pregnancy was an option, we had a lengthy discussion about her recommendations for when it was safest for Jared and me to try and become pregnant. I remember taking a deep breath and blinking back tears when she recommended another year of waiting if we wanted to take the most conservative approach. Though a year felt long, Jared and I wanted to allow my body adequate time to heal and strengthen. And though we desired children, we also didn’t want to let this wish drown out our gratefulness for my good health. God had indeed blessed us.

Just a couple of months ago, we received the unexpected good news that my oncologist feels comfortable with us trying to begin a family in January as long as my scan is clear. For the first time in this journey, hope began to slightly grow in my heart. I’ve realized that as a way to self-protect myself, I haven’t really allowed myself to begin dreaming about beginning a family because the reality felt too far away and too impossible. Now, with this encouraging news, I have begun to allow my heart to “go there” and have begun asking God to prepare my body and work in His way and timing.

About this time, a group of women and I were studying a Bible study called Believing God by Beth Moore. It’s based on the premise that we may believe in God but oftentimes we don’t believe and trust Him. As I began this study, I wrote down on the first page of my workbook, “Lord, what are You asking me to trust You for?” A few days later, the answer came to me: “Trust Me for an easy, uncomplicated, healthy pregnancy.” I’ll be honest, at first, I was scared to death that if I uttered the desires of my heart, I would jinx the whole thing. But over the course of the last month of studying this subject of faith, God has been teaching me to take Him at His word, wait expectantly, and trust Him for the results.

There is a reason that I have not blogged in detail about this topic of pregnancy until now: it has been too painful. Having such a strong desire to start a family and being told we had to wait while watching people close to us expand their families has felt excruciating at times. I’ll be honest that I have had to work through my raw, disappointed feelings with God. And in response, God has met me in very specific ways to remind me that He has not forgotten me. One special way He has provided has been through the wonderful group of ladies that I have the privilege of leading in the weekly Bible study that I referred to above. While leading this group last fall, God used the words from Beth Moore’s Breaking Free study to encourage my heart and remind me that He is allowing me to “mother,” just in a different way than I envisioned.

Beth says, “I believe our girlish dreams to have babies represents even more than the obvious. They represent a desire to have fruitful lives, to invest ourselves in something that matters. Something that affects. Something that grows…I have tried my hardest to keep my children from growing up, but all my efforts have failed. Sometimes I think, What will I ever do? I was born to be a mommy! Then I remember God has called me primarily to women’s ministry and I will always have the opportunity to ‘mother’ a few spiritual offspring as long as I’m willing to invest myself” (pgs 141, 143).

I am so grateful God opened my eyes to this wonderful truth and reminded me that though I haven’t had the opportunity to raise my own children yet, I have had many amazing opportunities to invest into some very special women (not to mention sweet nieces). Just today as I was writing this, I took a break to skype with a dear friend who used to be in my Bible study when she was in high school and is now a junior in college. We were chatting because she was preparing to give a talk to a Young Life group and it was so fun to see how much she had grown in her faith since high school. As we were signing off from skype, I told her I was proud of her and she laughed and said, “See, you’ve raised me well.” If she only knew how meaningful those words were to me.

Thank you, God, for the ways You are redeeming this difficult waiting season by allowing me to invest in the ones You have so graciously brought into my life.

***

I had a very difficult time writing this blog. It felt very personal and vulnerable, and I wasn’t convinced I wanted to share these details with you. But recently I have felt that God has asked me to invite you into this extremely personal matter of my heart so that you could join us in prayer for God’s glory. It is a nerve-wracking step of faith for me but I want to be obedient to what God may be doing. So since Jesus tells us to ask (Mark 11:23,24), here is what I am asking for:

-that God would keep the cancer far, far away and allow it to never return (and especially that I would have a clear scan in January)

-that I would get pregnant quickly and have an uncomplicated, healthy pregnancy(s!!)

We have learned so very much about surrender over the course of the last two years and so we offer these prayer requests up with a loose grip, trusting that God knows what we need and what will bring Him the most glory. We rest confidently in who God is as we wait to see how He will work.

“We wait in hope for the Lord;
He is our help and our shield.
In Him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in His holy name.
May Your unfailing love be with us, Lord,
even as we put our hope in You.”

Psalm 33:20-22

Waiting Here For You by Christy Nockels and the Passion Worship Band

If faith can move the mountains
Let the mountains move
We come with expectation
Waiting here for you, I’m waiting here for you

You’re the Lord of all creation
And still you know my heart
The Author of Salvation
You’ve loved us from the start

CHORUS
Waiting here for You
With our hands lifted high in praise
And it’s You we adore
Singing Alleluia

You are everything You’ve promised
Your faithfulness is true
And we’re desperate for Your presence
All we need is You

Singing Alleluia
Alleluia, singing alleluia, alleluia

Waiting here for you
With our hands lifted high in praise
And it’s You we adore
We’re singing Alleluia