Our Exciting Announcement
I’ve dreamed of the day when I would have the opportunity to share this news. Jared and I are so very humbled by the way God has provided for us and we couldn’t be more elated to share our exciting news: I am almost 13 weeks pregnant! We have been bursting at the seams to divulge the news but knew it was best to keep it under wraps until I made it through the first trimester.
If you remember, several months ago, I mentioned I was studying the Bible Study, Believing God by Beth Moore. As I asked God what He wanted me to believe Him for, I felt very strongly that He wanted me to trust Him for a quick and uncomplicated pregnancy. It took about everything in me to trust God for this desire, particularly because we weren’t even sure I was able to get pregnant. When the first couple of months passed with no sign of pregnancy, I admit I questioned if I had misread God. But I also was well aware after walking through cancer that sometimes God asks us to trust even when He chooses to answer in a different way. I had experienced not long ago praying for a certain outcome only for God to answer totally opposite of what I had hoped, and so I wanted to stay grounded that just because I believed and asked in faith, He may choose not to answer the way I desired. And still, I am learning He wants me to come to Him and ask with sincere faith, trusting that He has my good in mind.
I must pause in my story for a moment. As I write this, I am keenly aware that as several sweet friends of mine read these words, pangs of disappointment may surface over the issue of childbearing. I remember all too well my own conflicted emotions when hearing the good news of another’s pregnancy. I pray my words don’t inflict further pain but instead give great hope of the amazing ways God works. I won’t forget how difficult the waiting process was for me and I write this blog post with extreme empathy for those who are still waiting.
Ok, I didn’t feel I could go any further until I acknowledged the deep pain that can surround this issue, much of what I have personally experienced. God continually reminded me through the last two+ years of waiting to conceive that He desired me to draw my strength from Him and to fall into His arms as I processed the difficult questions of life and faith. Without fail, He met me each time through my tears, even though there were moments I had to literally choose to believe He was working behind the scenes because I didn’t see His hand.
Which is exactly how I felt at the beginning of February. It feels silly to acknowledge that I was struggling to trust God with my pregnancy hopes only being a couple of months into the process. However, as I journaled and prayed, I realized that I felt panicked that I was already “behind” in starting our family as so many of my friends and family members had already welcomed one, two, and three children before we were even able to get pregnant. The realization occurred to me that once we were given the permission by my oncologist to begin our family, I (subconsciously) felt this hurry-up!-we’re-late! feeling and so with each passing day, I became worried that we were increasingly behind schedule.
It was so kind of the Lord to open my eyes to see the lies I was believing. As I acknowledged them, He reminded me that in His timetable and His plan, we were right on schedule. He knew that I would walk through cancer during the years my friends were having babies and He knew the deep desires of my heart. And He also knew the perfect time for Jared and me to conceive.
Hearing such truth from the Lord was exactly what I needed to calm my heart to wait and trust. That’s not to say I didn’t battle other lies about myself and God. One of them that surfaced and surprised even me when I wrote it on paper was though I intellectually believed God for a quick pregnancy, my heart didn’t believe He would do that for me. Wow, what misconceptions had snuck their way into my heart and clouded my view of seeing who God was and His love for me. How freeing it was for me to acknowledge those misbeliefs about God’s character and soak in truth from His Word of who He was and what He could do. On one particular day when I was crying out to God about my hopes and doubts, I read Habakkuk 3:17-19:
“Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
He enables me to go on the heights.”
As I read this passage, it was as if God was saying, Trust Me even though you see no sign of how I will provide for you and you have no idea how long it will take. With a surrendered heart, I resolved to trust and wait.
There isn’t enough time to share with you the ways God tenderly took care of me that following month. He opened my eyes to see how He was very much with me (not to mention how He had amazingly provided Jared’s new job during this time as well). As the month came to a close and an obvious feminine sign was absent, I hate to admit that I just thought the delay must be due to the stress of moving. Deep in my heart, I did hope that maybe I was pregnant, but I pushed the thought out of my mind because there were several variables that caused me to assume my body wasn’t ready to carry a baby yet. Jared kept urging me to take a pregnancy test and finally several days later, I succumbed. With trepidation I might add.
Much to my surprise, a pink “+” stared back at me when I took the test. Could it be I was actually pregnant?! I was so shocked that I was hardly able to formulate emotions and smiled as I realized I was responding like my dear friend and ”jumping up and down on the inside.” My heart still was so tentative to believe I actually could be pregnant and I also knew many friends who had suffered miscarriages. I didn’t know what else to do in that moment but open my journal and talk to God about my thoughts. I asked Him to show me through Scripture what He wanted me to know and He directed me to Psalm 37, specifically vs. 3 in the Amplified Version:
“Trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident in the Lord) [and then I added: not in my health, pregnancy signs or anything else] and do good; so shall you dwell in the land and feed surely on His faithfulness, and truly you shall be fed.”
God’s message to me couldn’t have been clearer and has sustained me for the first three months as I’ve trusted God for my health as well as the baby’s. This first trimester has been such a sweet time with the Lord, much because we have chosen to not spread the news with many and so have instead had many opportunities to talk with God about the details. I have connected with the wording in Luke 2:19 when it says, “But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart” because I’ve been doing a lot of pondering recently. I’ve been reflecting over the last two and a half years of my life and catching glimpses of God’s faithful hand even in the most difficult days. I feel so incredibly humbled that God would choose to grow Jared’s and my faith by answering our prayers in such a meaningful way.
I couldn’t wait to share this exciting announcement with you because you have been such a support to me throughout this cancer journey. We are so elated to begin a new chapter in this journey and are holding tightly onto God’s hand as He leads us down this road. We would appreciate your prayers for protection for my body as well as the growth of Baby Warner. Oh, how I like writing that!
“O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness You have done marvelous things, things planned long ago.”