Two Years Ago
Today is one of those days of reflection when I look back over the past several years and feel so, so grateful for all God has done in my life and all He has brought me through. Two years ago today I finished my last chemo treatment. Wow. There truly aren’t enough words for me to express my gratitude to be two years past that challenging season.
This weekend I have the exciting opportunity to speak at a women’s conference in Orlando. As I’ve been preparing for my talk, God has been working on my heart in the process. I love how that happens! One of the Scripture passages I was researching was in Genesis 3 when the serpent convinces Eve to take a bite of the apple. I was reminded all over again as I read this story how the she took a bite because she became convinced that God was holding out on her. That maybe God didn’t know what He was talking about and maybe, just maybe, He needed Eve to help Him.
How often am I in this situation in life? When I begin to doubt God’s good heart toward me and begin thinking maybe I should help God. And the way I try to help Him is by grasping for a bit of a control. Because in my mind, I inaccurately decide I need to take control for what God clearly hasn’t.
I am reflecting on all of these thoughts today because they bring me back to two+ years ago. I had to continually and intentionally work through my disappointment about my cancer diagnosis so as to not accuse God of holding out on me or not coming through for me. When life turns totally upside down, our (my) human nature is to decide God must have fallen asleep on the job, that if He cared He would do something. It’s so tempting to buy into the lie that God must not have our good in mind.
There were definitely days when I struggled believing that God had my good in mind, but it’s amazing what perspective will bring. Now two years out from that very challenging time, I see much more clearly that God was working for my good and for His glory. (And this brings me encouragement on the days when I battle all over again with wondering if God sees me in my current situations.) I believe that sometimes we must just hold onto that truth by faith until the fog lifts and we can see a clearer picture. And I’m learning that God doesn’t need any help at being God, and in His sovereignty, He knows exactly what He’s doing. Even when at times life feels totally out of control, God is fully in control and working out the situation in a way that brings us greater good and Him greater glory. How amazing is that.
I certainly don’t want to sound trite. I’ve seen and experienced enough to realize that life isn’t easily wrapped up in a tidy bow. Sometimes we may feel the fog never lifts and God seems quite distant. I can empathize in a small way because the truth is I don’t know what’s in store for my future. And to be quite honest, that make me shake in my boots some days. But through the last two and a half years, God has deepened Jared’s and my trust in Him–not just a Pollyanna trust, but an experiential God-will-give-us-what-we-need-even-if-we-don’t-understand trust. And so today I rest in the knowledge that He has been so faithful to us in the past, and so no matter what comes our way in the future, He will be faithful through those challenges too.
Today I celebrate all that He has done in Jared’s and my life over the past two years since finishing chemo. He has been so very good to us and we rejoice!
“Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him.” Psalm 34:8
“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:13,14
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28